I am not finished with this essay. I'm trying to let the reader know that my experiences have shown me not only what is needed (change and education for any legitimate shot at change), but how (a Princeton caliber education) and why (to serve the nations).
After being exposed to the unfortunate academic, political, and social needs of the world as a whole, Woodrow Wilson was one with the fact that national and international change was needed. Nonetheless, he understood that a first-class education was a requirement for any efforts of serving effectively. In 1896, Wilson delivered a speech entitled "Princeton for the Nation's Service", through which he encouraged alumni to apply what they had acquired via the highest level of education -Princeton University- to the world. Throughout my life, I too have been exposed to circumstances that have shown me that the nations need change, however, I am completely one with the fact that a Princeton-caliber education is a requirement for such efforts.
Coming from a Dominican heritage, I was able to experience first-hand the unfortunate realities that envelop most of the world. I witnessed the bewilderment of medical insensitivity, the misery of hungry children, and the generic dejection of people letdown by an unpredictably flawed academic, political, and medical system. As an appalled child, I understood that improvement was needed in the Dominican Republic. However, as I matured in Miami, Florida I realized that these needs are present locally as well. My interaction with my culture allowed me to identify the needs but my every day encounters with the world have shown me that the deprivations are more recurrent and thus require the highest level of education possible for any attempts of efficient change.
As a senior in high school longing to actually be the change that I hope to see, I understand that the only way to efficiently spark national and international advancement is via a sound, complete education that gifts its anchor with the ability to serve in all fields necessary. What better source of a thorough, undocked inculcation that can lead one to efficacious service than Princeton?
Seeing the need in my country and even in my city, I have been driven to volunteer all my life. From educating local children to donating clothes and equipment to Dominican families, my efforts have been present and have impacted. Counseling the psychologically pained and donating time and effort to the children, my objectives have been transparent. However, I want more. I need more. I want to possess that capability of impacting the nation as a whole of which Woodrow Wilson confidently spoke.
Without a Princeton caliber education, my efforts will never reach the potency that I wish to attain or the audience that I long to touch. My vision is clear: get educated and get out there. Nevertheless, I realize that I need more than an education; I need the education- the Princeton education. With the maturation of my character, my ambitions have evolved and I long to make connections with groups and authorities through which I can have access to touching the lives of the needy, the hungry, and the uneducated. Grander goals require a better education and network. Thenceforth, I am looking to decorate the campus of Princeton University with my drive, experience, and perspective and in exchange receive all of the material and knowledge required to efficiently ignite amelioration in the future.
When Woodrow Wilson confidently announced the phrase "Princeton in the Nation's Service" he wasn't simply stating that the nation called for labor. He vigorously sought to make the alumni understand that they already possessed the power to serve the nation and world effectively. Whether they realized the aptitude they held at their fingertips or not is a different story. Nevertheless, when the goal is clear and the desire to aid the nations is genuine, the acquisition of a Princeton education will literally throw the scholar right into the nation's service. As my ambitions meet the productivity, potency, and power of Princeton, my name will expeditiously make up part of the Princeton remnant competent to, not only serve, but serve the nations effectively.
Is there a word limit to this essay? It is already two long paragraphs and all you have completed so far is an overly long introduction. The essence of what you wish to say is not evident yet. I suggest you limit the reference to Wilson and present your ideas immediately. Don't bore the admissions officer with what the man said, he already knows and more than understands what he said. The reader wants to hear your voice so make it heard as soon as possible. Don't waste space on an irrelevant introduction.
Definitely a better rendition of your previous attempt. I still think that the reference to Wilson runs too long though. If you wish to keep it that way, then I will respect your decision. After all, this is your essay :-) The last paragraph of the essay works but can be made stronger by explaining how you embody the Princeton motto and how you plan on developing that aspect of your personality during your time as a student there. Don't end the essay with a question. It just sounds like you are expecting an answer to come and there will be none forthcoming. Don't leave the reader hanging. Let the admissions officer know the essay has come to an end with a strong and positive last sentence instead.
Thank you so much for your pointers. Now, I wasn't finished with the essay. I have elaborated on my intentions and have enthusiastically sought to allow the reader to understand that, in order for my ambitions to come to pass, I need the potency of a Princeton education. I wanted to clearly identify what I need (the ability to serve that only comes via an elite education), how I need it (a Princeton education specifically), and why (to serve effectively ).
I maybe want to strengthen the last paragraph, is it okay as it is?
The last paragraph sums up the essence of the speech by Wilson and your own desires to make a change the world. I read it as a strong enough conclusion to your well discussed essay. Honestly, it really works to enhance the sentiment you are conveying. I am not sure if the strength of the message will change if you tweak the conclusion. I can probably honestly tell you if the changes to the conclusion will be beneficial once I read it. Why not share the revised conclusion here? That way we can advice you regarding the strength of both endings and you can choose the one that you feel works best for your interests.
