Hello there. I am applying for Global UGRAD. For that, I've prepared my Personal Statement. I need someone to check it and correct mistakes, give suggestions, ANYTHING would be helpful. The max. word count is 250.
The essay is to be written with respect to following parameters:
Your interests and personality
Your academic objectives
Your goals related to your field of study and personal development
The reasons why you wish to pursue them in the U.S.A and how it relates to your interests and future objectives
Here is what I've made.
I've been growing through difficult times
"Belonging to a middle-class family having financial instability, I've fostered through difficult times. Having no siblings, my father ensured best possible education for me. Continuing self-study up to college, the result of pre-entry test reflected my success.
Being inquisitive since childhood, I developed a special interest in machines by assisting my father in affixing household appliances. I'd unscrew my remote-controlled toys to see what was inside. Propelled by this curiosity, I chose mechanical engineering and became first in the family to attend a prestigious university.
The metallurgical dimension of mechanical engineering has overwhelmingly fascinated me. I'm currently conducting research about advanced materials for turbine blades which will enable them to function at elevated temperatures. Standing at the forefront of technology, I nominate US as the best place to accomplish my research as I'll get chance to learn and consult professional engineers.
Apart from academics, I've engaged myself in numerous extra-curricular activities. Working with departmental society, I've been successfully organizing events, fundraising, and blood donation drives. Also, have volunteered in campaigns promoting educational reforms. Being socially active has profited me by refining my interpersonal skills. Besides, I spend time reading about science, history, and philosophy and write relevant articles.
Having an unprivileged background, I never managed to travel much. I'm anticipating to utilize this opportunity to explore US' culture, diversity, and education system. Reciprocating cultural customs with international students, I'd embellish my cross-cultural skills. By scrutinizing US' pedagogical methods closely, I'll be able to work for educational reforms in Pakistan."
Is my essay convincing enough? If not, please suggest me some tactics to make it look more convincing. Please help. Thank you for your time.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Memon, this essay is a bit problematic because it does not really represent the totality of the reviewer's interest in your essay. Let me see if I can put something together for you, based on the questions provided, that you can use to write a revised essay.
Your interests and personality
- , I developed a special interes... Propelled by this curiosity, I chose ...
- I've engaged myself in numerous extra-curricular activities...
Your academic objectives
- I'm currently conducting research...*
*Develop the rest of the paragraph to explain the relevance of this academic objective in terms of your goals related to your field of study and personal development.
The reasons why you wish to pursue them in the U.S.A and how it relates to your interests and future objectives
- I nominate US as the best place...
- I'm anticipating to utilize this ...
*Add information about your future objectives in relation to a US based education and training in this field. You may need to do research to further develop this part of your response.
I can indicated the points of your original presentation that you can develop into a new, more responsive essay. How you develop the new essay is up to you. I can only provide you with the starting points for your revised essay. Best of luck to you in developing your revised essay.
