The Upward Bound program - Penn State Personal Statement

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

During the past four years I have attended University of Pennsylvania
Upward Bound program. My experience with Upward Bound has really
helped me prepare mentally for the challenges of college life. The
classes we took at Penn were standard college preparatory courses, that were
not so much challenging as rigorous and in turn I became careless
regarding my grades my freshman and sophomore years. These decisions
reflected in my school year, and I was left with just average grades,
that didn't set me apart from others. During the summer's we'd
participated in Pre-college course while living on campus. It taught
me to adjust well to academics, and social life,but It wasn't until
the summer before my junior year that I realized that the choices I
make now, regarding my education determines my success in life.
My junior year was a transformation in attitude and academic behavior,
I was more focused and goal oriented.I realize now,that by applying the same
determination and attentiveness from junior and senior I can truly be the most
successful person anywhere i choose to be including Penn State.

I attended the U of Penn's Upward Bound program for the past four years which has prepared me for the intellectual rigor and commitment of college life...I combined your opening two sentences into one sharper sentence. Keep it or go with your own, it's up to you.

"The classes we took at Penn were standard college preparatory courses, that were
not so much challenging as rigorous and in turn I became careless
regarding my grades my freshman and sophomore years." This is an awkward sentence. You seem to go from talking about your Upward Bound experience back to a high school experience in one sentence. I'd consider revising. It might be helpful here to bring up some info from the bottom portion of your essay (the things you learned/achieved/experienced from Upward Bound) to explain how Upward Bound prepared you for college life.

It seems you also talk about a watershed moment during your junior year which helped you refocus and re-prioritize your h.s. academic life. What was that moment? Describe it. It also seems that you had some difficulties during this period engaging academically in h.s. Why? I'd suggest you rework this section, think a bit harder (i.e. add details) about how these experiences shaped you, and then go on to explain it in the essay.

Also, I'd start off with a stronger opening sentence. Remember, these admissions officers will read hundreds of essays during the application process, YOU need to ensure YOUR essay stands out. Hope this helps, good luck.