The deadline is tomorrow but I've had so much work this week I haven't had much time to improve my essays off the Common App.
Here's what I used for the Common App's "significant experience" prompt, USC's is slightly different:
Newton's First Law of Motion states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon by an external force. Tell us about an external influence (a person, an event, etc.) that affected you and how it caused you to change direction.
It's a little on the long side but I'm not sure what to cut out. I'm thinking I don't need the 1st prgh but it's my favorite prgh of the whole essay, lol.
Any suggestions?
Hundreds of seat belts were buckled simultaneously as the engines revved loudly outside. Slowly we lurched forward, waiting our turn to depart and before I could even say "I love Hong Kong" I felt my back being pressed hard against the seat as a result of the airplane's steep incline. Several thousand feet below me was the urban canvas I had called home for seven years; its characteristic hills, beaming skyscrapers and roads conquered by little red taxi ants. Who knew when I would next bear witness to this canvas?
When I was nine years old, my family made the trip of a lifetime by moving halfway around the world. I was extremely reluctant to move but what did my opinion matter; I was the baby of the family. Throughout our 24-hour journey I ensured my voice was heard loud and clear - "But it's hot in Hong Kong and it doesn't snow! And they don't have hockey on TV..." I would whine. But looking back, I wonder if I had thought any deeper than white powdery precipitation and that national sport all Canadians have come to love - I probably should have.
As a naïve young child, I settled into life in Hong Kong with many prejudices, stereotypes and assumptions. I was extremely judgmental reassured myself that I would come and go with the same feeling of loathing and dislike, all before I set foot in the city with the 852 area code. In my mind, Hong Kong was constantly shrouded with pollution and there were too many people crammed into one tiny area. For some reason, I also thought that Hong Kong consisted purely of black-haired Chinese people who could not speak a word of English. Funnily enough, I had black hair and my Chinese skills matched those of a tourist reading a phrasebook. The language barrier was going to make life somewhat difficult as I realized I couldn't order a McNuggets meal without pointing at three different pictures on the menu and speaking to two cashiers. The humid climate skyrocketed its way to the top of my 'Cities with the World's Worst Weather' list as I continually wondered: "how on Earth could I end up liking this place?" But as things turned out, I was wrong.
Living in Hong Kong has been my giant portal to the world. It has opened my eyes to the world's mosaic and allowed me to experience the true meaning of internationalism. Initially, I was completely unaware that there were - what I now know are called expatriates - in Hong Kong and I was amazed to see that there were people with blonde hair and blue eyes walking on the streets. I attended an international school at which the definition of "international" was seen through the student body. In any class I could be in the same room as people from up to ten different countries like Germany, Holland, India, Scotland, and the Philippines. At the same school I met a Welsh teacher and Indian students who could speak better Chinese than half the school's Chinese population and, slowly, I began to recognize how inaccurate my assumptions and stereotypes were.
Over the years, I also watched Hong Kong grow into its position as "Asia's World City", as the Hong Kong Tourism Board has coined it. Schemes were introduced to teach the workforce basic English and I noticed very slight decline in the number of people who stared at you on the train if English phrases spewed from your mouth instead of Cantonese ones. Whilst millions of people were learning my native language, English, I was mastering theirs. Cantonese was relatively easy to pick up since I was engulfed by it, and I learned Mandarin as a foreign language in school. Slowly but surely I was overcoming the language barrier I lived behind for several years. I could order a McDonalds meal without pointing at pictures and I even began translating simple phrases for my Caucasian friends. More than a year after completing my GCSE Mandarin course, I took on the challenge of the SAT Subject Test for Chinese. I didn't end up with a perfect 800, but my family and friends were proud of my 750 points considering how I started from scratch only a few years ago. Hong Kong was no longer a place where communication was impossible and it only led me to rethink my silly assumptions as a nine-year old.
Gliding through the air on board AC016, I reminisced on the many experiences and opportunities that have come my way in the last seven years - many of which would not have been possible had I stayed in Canada. I would not have picked up the Chinese language nearly as quickly and I definitely would not have met a Chinese-speaking Welsh woman. As a person, I came to realize how detrimental it is to be narrow-minded and judgmental. In a sense you're like a dog wearing an Elizabethan cone; the world you see is only a tiny fraction of the big picture, it is one pixel of the entire photograph. This was the greatest lesson I learned from my experience as well as realizing that stereotypes are a useless part of society. The world is not black and white; in between there are millions of shades of gray and not everyone fits into one specific category. Sometimes there's that one needle in a haystack that completely defies all stereotypes, but most other times, every other strand of hay looks similar on the surface, but has its own unique characteristics beneath it all.
Thanks!
Here is the "rule" for earth:
"(When to Capitalize)Names of celestial bodies: Mars, Saturn, the Milky Way. Do not, however, capitalize earth, moon, sun, except when those names appear in a context in which other (capitalized) celestial bodies are mentioned. "I like it here on earth," but "It is further from Earth to Mars than it is from Mercury to the Sun. " _ Not mine... I found it on a website. I was taught that you only capitalize it in this situation as well as when you put the in front of it. "I love earth. I love the Earth."
I would not remold it. I loved it. Very descriptive and honest. I actually saved this as one of my favs. :)
Great essay! I thought the maybe you can say:
in between there are endless of shades of gray and not everyone fits into one specific category. Sometimes there's that one needle in a haystack that completely defies all stereotypes, but most other times, every other strand of hay looks similar on the surface, yet(?, used 2 "but" 's in a sentence) has its own unique characteristics beneath it all.
