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'Use of fear' - University Application Essay - Significant Challenge


13579e 1 / 1  
Jan 2, 2013   #1
Explain how you responded to a significant challenge that you have encountered and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

As the month of April was approaching, most conversations at school began to fall onto one similar topic. The Student Government elections incited enormous curiosity to each and every student. Being in the eleventh grade, I had the opportunity to become a candidate for an executive position that I had long awaited. However, it was the loss from a past election that tremendously intimidated me. I couldn't bear the thought of a second loss and I could not imagine not achieving my largest high school goal. As I prepared my campaign for Secretary, the fear of losing again continuously burned in the back of my mind. Eventually, I knew that if I wanted to succeed, I had to view my intimidations in a different perspective. I began to use my fear as an extra challenge to go beyond what I already knew I was capable of. Soon enough, my loss had become a guide to execute each part of my campaign a little larger than I had previously. Every sign, ever poster, and every banner was improved until perfection. With a new outlook on my loss, I had achieved my high school dream.

I have 193 words
I know this is a very weak essay, please critique!
Taset 2 / 4 1  
Jan 2, 2013   #2
I really like your essay. I think you used "loss" quite a bit, maybe find some synonyms? also, I did not like all those negatives in the following senence:

"I couldn't bear the thought of a second loss and I could not imagine not achieving my largest high school goal"

NOT imagine NOT achieving my largest high school goal is a bit repetative, try something like
"could not imagine failing to reach my largest high school goal" or anything else you'd like.

Good paper though!
OP 13579e 1 / 1  
Jan 2, 2013   #3
As soon as the month of April came near, most conversations began to fall onto one similar topic. Student Government elections incited a great deal of curiosity in every grade. As an eleventh grade student, I finally had the opportunity to run for an executive position. However, the loss from a past election had intimidated me tremendously. I couldn't bear the thought of a second loss and I could not imagine failing to reach my largest high school goal. During my campaign preparations for Secretary, fear continuously irked in the back of my mind and I became uncertain with whether or not I wanted to continue through. Eventually, I knew that if I wanted to succeed, I had to consider a different perspective on my intimidation. I realized that my fear was merely an extra challenge driving me to go beyond what I already knew I was capable of. Soon enough, I began executing each part of my campaign even grander than I had previously. Every sign, every poster, and every banner was improved and worked on until perfection. Through my campaign, I had learned that while past unsuccessful events may seem like daunting failures, they should be perceived as lessons and guides for future improvements. With a new outlook on my fear, I had successfully achieved the position of Secretary.

I need to cut down 21 words!
please critique
MH31595 - / 2  
Jan 2, 2013   #4
"I became uncertain with whether or not I wanted to continue through."

how about "uncertainty loomed"

good luck


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