USNA Application; explain your interest in the naval service and describe a personal experience

Any suggestions or advice would be welcome on this, I'm trying to fix it up

my goals and assumptions of the military career

1-Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the naval academy will help you achieve your long-range goals, and
2-Describe a personal experience which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity

The effort required to heave my shipmate's entire weight up a hill was extraordinary. Back and legs burning, I realized that if this simulation at the Naval Academy Summer Seminar were a real-life scenario someone's life would be dependent on me. Succeeding in the body-drag portion of the team relays, I gained a sense of awareness of the responsibility those who serve hold in protecting the lives of the American people. My step-brother and Grandfather both have served in the navy, with my step-brother currently serving on the USS Charlotte. With their service experience and my knowledge about the navy through JROTC, I found the naval service to be the most exemplary in the military. For myself, this summer experience expound upon my initial interest introduced by my family, as to why I have decided to become a leader as a commissioned officer of the United States Navy.

In attending the Academy, I will achieve my goals of military service, completing secondary education, traveling the world, and contributing to my countries prosperity. In the long term, I look to pursue a military career of service in the Navy and earn my Masters degree, so that over time I have opportunities to continue to climb in rank and responsibility.

My experiences with character building and integrity are numerous; however, one influential experience was in my JROTC program where I had the opportunity to be the Commander of the Women's Physical Fitness Team. This was my first official leadership position in the program, and I was a new student at my high school. I had to lead fellow students whom I didn't know, in addition to balancing an after-school schedule of club swimming, armed drill team, the physical fitness team, and academics. Additionally, the female fitness team had a reputation for mediocre performance and was not taken very seriously within the program. As the new commander I was competitive and wanted a successful team, so I proceeded to push the girls under my command to their limits, but never faltered to do the same myself. I lead by example, doing my best in practice and competitions, earning first place individually at every one.

Along with implementing new exercises and instilling physical discipline, I bonded with my team members as their commander, fellow student, and confidant. Bonding with my team on a personal level gave me their trust and respect, making me even more responsible for their contributions to the team. Leading these girls was a learning experience, I had to command their attention, encourage them when they struggled-sometimes in tears, and continuously evaluate my actions to ensure I was doing what was best for my team. At the end of the year, every girl under my command had improved to achieve personal bests, and the female Physical Fitness Team placed for the first time in the State competition. This experience was not merely a challenge, but an opportunity to grow as a leader of character and help develop those around me.

Taelyn, I think that for the first part of the essay, the one about your initial interest, you could improve the presentation by making a declaration of patriotism that goes beyond service to the country. Perhaps expound upon the idea of how you plan to contribute to America's prosperity as a member of the navy. How do you see yourself, in active service and doing that? It can be something totally unrealistic if you want. You just need to prove that you have the mindset to do what you say and prove that this is part of the reason why you are interested in naval service. Your long term academic goals are good but you need to have a specific long term career goal as well. For example, you could say that you hope to become a Commodore and then explain why this is your ultimate long-range career goal. It could refer to a little personal competition with your brother or a reference to your grandfather's unfilled ambitions. Anything to show that naval service runs in your blood and you are not going to quite mid-training or mid-career.

As for the second part, you should consider including information as to how you bonded with your team members both as their commanding officer and as their friend outside of JROTC. What sort of leadership did you practice? Was it a dictatorial style of a democratic style of leadership? Why do you think that this leadership style worked in developing your own character and integrity? Of all the character and integrity traits that a person has, which specific traits do you believe this leadership experience developed in you and why?

By the way, change the statement to "...and never faltered to the do the same..." using the word "but" usually means you are presenting an opposing story or argument in a presentation. Since you are supporting the previous statement, you should use a connecting word to blend the two thoughts rather than a connecting word that creates opposing thoughts.

The reason I listed these questions is because you response to the second question needs more development. It seems to generic in response. You need to beef it up. Expand upon all the information that you can within the word limitations so that you can properly address all pointed, expected, and potential follow-up questions that may arise in the reviewer's mind. Remember, this is a preliminary written interview. So you need to portray who you are as best as you can on paper. The aim is to convince the reviewer that you have the potential to be a good naval academy student and potential naval officer.