Hey guys this essay is way over the word limit, they ask for roughly 250 and this is 383! So please help me cut it down and also im more interested in making it sound better and focusing on improving the tone/voice rather than grammar corrections. I feel like this essay is way to too typical and doesnt stand out the way I want it to :/ HELP !!!
Discuss experiences that led you to choose the School of Nursing. (UVA)
In a down economy with the unemployment rate holding steady at 9.6%, I must be a realist. I want to be a nurse because the nursing sector of the health sciences field is growing in demand. Having job security right out of college creates a drive within me that will assist me in achieving my educational goals. A degree in nursing is a gateway to endless possibilities within a single career, as I would like to continue my studies to become a nurse anesthetist.
On the days I did not attend preschool I would accompany my mom to the clinic she worked in as a doctor back in Iran. I learned from an early age that from the medical staff nurses have the most one-on-one contact with the patient and their families. My little five year old brain then came up with the theory that if they have the most contact then they must feel the most gratified or rewarded once a patient's health conditions have improved. Now I volunteer as a front desk receptionist at Reston Hospital, once a week. Being in the hospital once again has made me realized that still 12 years later and half way across the globe, nurses do have the most rewarding careers. Like the majority of people I would like to feel what I do is important and knowing I can play a critical role in a patient's road to recovery will be immensely satisfying.
A career in nursing will utilize me head and heart on a daily basis. The medical knowledge and compassion required for the job go hand in hand. Nurses are also always kept on their toes as they must be aware of patient's conditions at all times since they change in a heartbeat. Being an exciting, trusted, warm-hearted, altruistic, and meticulous person, I would make an outstanding nurse. As a nurse, I want to take care of my patients as I would my family. I want to gain the patients trust in order for them to allow me to take care of them in their weakest and most vulnerable moments such as before, during, and after surgery. Nursing will allow me to reach people when they need someone the most.
Your second paragraph is definitely the strongest. I like that it draws on your own personal experiences, and this will make it stand out. I would cut out most of the first paragraph if I were you, as the information in that part of your essay is generic and common to every applicant. I would also cut out the first 3 sentences of your last paragraph, as they're slightly cliche.
Hope I was able to help.
I agree that paragraph 2 is strongest, but I also like that intro... well, actually, it is not so important to point out that nursing jobs are in demand. Come to think of it, I changed my mind. I don't like the intro. I like everything about the way you write, but that intro is not necessary. The second para is great, and the third para can be cut a lot:
And if you keep the last sentence, add an apostrophe:
I want to gain the patients' trust ...
