"valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays

Any suggestions about the flow of both essays and the grammar and punctuation would be much appreciated! Thanks so much! :-)

Prompt #1

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Life is a delicate balance of elements that can change very quickly without warning. Like a calm before a storm. Everything seems fine, then before you know it a disruption comes along and alters everything. Opening your eyes to the fact that time in life is a precious thing and not something to take advantage of. This scenario that I speak of is too close to home for me. Let me explain. Up until the age of twelve I was relatively healthy. I was a happy, bubbly, confident young girl. I participated in school activities such as: talent shows, music lessons and plays. I went on ski trips, rode horse and occasionally went on bike rides with my family. Life was good. All of that soon got altered though when I ,along with my other two sisters, started to experience some health problems. Now instead of doing normal activities, most of our time was spent in doctors' offices searching for answers to our health problems. After going from doctor to doctor with no luck we finally stumbled upon a doctor that knew the answer. My sisters and I were diagnosed with Lyme Disease, a tick borne infection that creates havoc on your body depending on where it settles. It is a hard infection to deal with and at times you just want to give up. However, during those times of discouragement my family was always there for support. More specifically, the already close friendship that my sisters and I have shared together grew all the more stronger as we became more sensitive to each others needs. That in itself has been one thing that I can take out of this experience and treasure long after this hardship is over.

Eight years ago this journey started and even though my sisters and I are still on the road to healing I can still say that the light at the end of the tunnel has gotten closer. Due to the fact that we are now working with an excellent doctor that I am hoping will be the last step we have to take on reaching the end of our long, hard journey.This hardship though that I have had to go though has not been all unfortunate. In fact, this hardship has strengthened my character in many ways. It has taught me patience through these long years of trying to get well; it has taught me determination to keep on fighting and never ever quit; and lastly it has taught me perseverance when the journey gets tough. Furthermore, this hardship has also strengthen my relationship with my Lord and Savior that is Jesus Christ. Without him it would have been a much harder road to bear.

Lastly, through these years I was also able to really discover what I am good at and what I enjoy doing. Found out that it was photography. In the beginning it only started out as a hobby but now it is something that I really could see my self doing for a career for a very long while.

Now as I am starting this new journey in my life, that is college I hope to accomplish that goal.

Prompt #2

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Ever since I was a young child the art of photography has interested me. The whole aspect of capturing the natural beauty of God's creation greatly intrigued me. For instance, whenever I got the chance to be in possession of a camera I would cut loose and shoot anything from my own pets to just nature in general. As years passed, that same raw interest has never faded; but only grew stronger. Now that I am older what used to be childs' play has now become my passion. I have invested much time in learning the art by experimenting and reading. However, I still have much to learn. Furthermore, after all these years of freelancing photography I have come to the point where my photography has caught the eyes of my fellow peers. This acknowledgement has encouraged me immensely in pursuing my dream of going into a career as a photographer. In addition to the fact that without realizing it photography has truly become apart of who I am. It has been my way of expressing myself as a person: A person that people have said, 'Knows how to capture the beauty on this earth; who can see the small details admist the larger landscape.' Furthermore, I hope that by this talent that God has given me, that is photography; I can inspire other people and give them joy. Therefore, by taking the art classes that UC merced offers I hope to broaden my outlook and thereby become a better photographer than before.

prompt 1:
Great story!! I like your story, however, I still think your essay should change a little bit.
About the introduction, I think it should be your conclusion, Reading such a long intro like this make me asleep. It would be awesome if I read a conclusion like this,of course if it were conclusion, it would still need some change appropriately.

And about the sentence beginning with " For instance" or " For example" I really don't like it, U know, quite informal. For example, the sentence: "For instance, photography.". It would be great if U change it into :" ...discover what I am good at and what I enjoy doing like(for example) I have a passion in photography".

And could you tell me more about what you learnt from fighting this disease: perseverance, determination and patience. How did you learn them? It will attract the reader more.

Prompt 2:
I love it!
As years passed, that same raw interest has never faded; but only grew stronger. Now that I am older what used to be childs' (child's) play has now become my passion

'Knows how to capture the beauty on this earth; who can see the small details admist (I don't know the word you're using here but it's probably incorrect) the larger landscape

Prompt One:

Unless you are applying for a Christian university, I'd tone down the religious references. I read somewhere that it is fine to mention faith once, but not more than that.

What other impacts did Lyme disease have? Did it bring you and your sisters closer together? Is there a way to segue between the Lyme disease and photography? I feel like the photography piece comes at me quickly and a bit out of the blue.

There a few grammar issues with missing commas and sentence fragments, but I'll either let others tackle those or come back to them later.

Thanks so much for the suggestions! I appreciate it alot! :-)

Yeah. This is unfortunate, but true. Ideally one would be able to treat one's faith as just another virtue or background characteristic that is important to one's being, but this isn't really the case at most secular universities in America today. Christian references are especially likely to harm rather than help your chances. It's not fair, but then no one ever said life would be.

Oh, for heaven's sake. Christians run this country. Christmas is a national holiday. Politicians recite the Lord's Prayer and sing "God Bless America." We've managed to elect a Black man as President but it is absolutely inconceivable that a non-Christian could gain the nomination of either major party. There is no discrimination against Christians in the United States.

I'm sorry you feel that way....

I don't see it as being inconceivable at all. There are 13 members of the Senate and 32 Congressional Representatives who are Jewish. This is a high percentage considering that the Jewish population in the United States is less than 2%. I don't see it inconceivable at all that one of these high-powered politicians could be nominated and/or elected on the Presidential ticket.

And then there is history. One could argue that we have already had Presidents who were non-Christians. Jefferson most often defined himself as a Unitarian in his lifetime, but he embraced enlightenment ideals and could most closely be described as a Deist. You could not strictly call TJ a Christian. In "The Jefferson Bible" (or more accurately, "The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth"), he omitted all references to Christ as divine. Washington and Lincoln held strong Deist beliefs as well (although Washington made more of a show of church attendance). Unitarianism, by its tenets, falls outside of traditional Christian beliefs because of their views on the Trinity. One could claim that Unitarians are non-Christians as well. We've had several Presidents who were Unitarians including John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Millard Fillmore, and Taft.

True, we have not had a President who has identified himself as Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, or Hindu (or agnostic for that matter, although Andrew Johnson came close), but I don't see it as inconceivable for our future. We have not had a woman as President yet, but I don't see that as inconceivable either. We have probably already had a homosexual President (Buchanan).

Back to the subject at hand . . . I think it is okay to make passing mention of your religious affiliation in a college-application essay, after all, it is a very important part of life for a lot of people. But I also think that it has potential to work against people when emphasizing their relationship with "my Lord and savior that is Jesus Christ." The phrasing here sounds very Southern Baptist to me. The author may or may not be Southern Baptist or even a non-denominational evangelical Christian, but I'd put money on one or the other. In my opinion, it is a little too much information for a college-application essay. While generally describing yourself as Christian in the United States does not bring on discrimination, closely identifying yourself with any given denomination/belief sect can. Catholics have faced great discrimination in our history (the KKK especially held a strong anti-Catholic stance) as have Jehovah's Witnesses and members of the LDS church (all of which have made a strong show in Presidential-level politics, btw). You never know who will be reading your application essay (unless you are applying at a church-affiliated school) and the advised route would be to tone down religious references (I can't seem to get away from parenthetical commentary).

When would it be appropriate to state religious affiliation? Obviously when applying to a church-run school. Even when applying for a Jesuit university as a non-Catholic, I would think it would be more than appropriate to bare your religious leanings. Being in a religious minority (as long as it wasn't Paganism, but that is a different ball of wax) would probably work to one's advantage as most universities embrace diversity. But . . . it is an area that can be sensitive (like stating one's sexual preference or political leanings) and should be dealt with carefully in college essays.

So, should I take it out altogether? Well, thank you for taking the same to help me. I appreciate it!

Let's not devolve the discussion. I'm sorry I sent it astray. In an admission to a secular university, it's fine to mention your faith if this is a guiding force in your life. At the same time, you do not want to appear to be someone whose religious beliefs will lead you to, e.g., reject facts taught in biology or history classes, derail class discussions by exhorting your classmates to abandon their religious traditions for yours, or refuse to respect professors of other faiths. (If those are your tendencies, you'd probably be happier at an institution set up by and serving only people of your faith.) As in most things, the key is moderation.

No no, I know everyone has there right in what they believe. And I would never force my faith on anyone. I believe in freedom of choice. Thank you for your advice.

I am with Simone on this one . . . I think it is fine to mention your faith, but I would tone it down just a bit and not divulge too much about your affiliation with your semantics.


You could even rephrase this to something like: This hardship has strengthened my faith and brought me closer to God (or Christ . . . Christ isn't as encompassing, but the phrasing doesn't align you with a particular belief system other than mainstream Christianity). That way you would still be able to acknowledge God for His part in your healing without possibly alienating someone with a different set of beliefs.

When using a pronoun that refers to God the Father, Christ, or the Holy Spirit, capitalize that pronoun. Without Him it would have been . . .

Please understand that I am not judging you on your faith. Unless your faith will make a big difference in the kind of student you will be, you don't want admission officers judging you on your faith either (just like you wouldn't want them judging you on political beliefs or sexual orientation).

First, I wasn't talking about the U.S. in general, but about secular university campuses. Second, I would say there is discrimination against minorities everywhere, and that in secular universities, evangelical Christians are definitely in a minority. For that matter, conservatives generally are in a minority there. I think 90% or so of professors self-identify as Democrats. You can't seriously think that that sort of imbalance, in a country where over 60% of the population identifies as either Republican or independent, isn't a result of systemic bias within the academic system, surely? Or if you do, any arguments you make about systemic bias against other groups in the wider U.S. system are going to begin to seem to involve a bit of a double standard.

In any event, I don't see why my comment should have provoked such a strong response. All three of us on this who have been commenting on this thread believe that the author should tone down references to his/her religious beliefs, and are therefore in agreement on the main point.

I think there has just been a big misunderstanding. I fully understand that you all are only trying to help and I appreciate that greatly! I didn't mean for it to cause such a stir. I'm sorry. I now see how so much reference about my faith could cause a problem with secular colleges. I will be sure to change my essay so that it won't be so. Thank you all once again. Much appreciation.

It's quite easy to cause a stir here. (Or on any online forum.) Don't be sorry.

No need to apologize! You were just along for the ride. It wasn't even that bumpy of a ride. We were discussing to what level and in what circumstances a person should divulge personal beliefs in a college-application essay. It is a discussion that is relevant to the forums and did not stray into personal attacks or hurt feelings.

Indeed, this seems like an important discussion for people planning to apply to universities to be having, and so you should be glad to have raised the issue.

idk if you want my opinion, but you can def. have the best of both worlds. while i dont think its fair for you to have to take out completely how you truly feel, you can write just simply God as someone said before.

writing lord and savior is a little strong. you want to keep things as open as possible u know, but still get across who u are and not totally compromise who you are.

also, id personally delete the part that says "the fact that" you dont need it. your essay is already very well written :)

Yeah, "the fact that" is a lazy phrase. I use it myself sometimes because I can be lazy, but really, you can find away to avoid using it with a bit of effort.