Volleyball and grandparents. REVIEWING MY COLLEGE ADMISSION ESSAY

If you would not mind reading my admission essay and critique it. The good and bad. THIS IS JUST A ROUGH DRAFT! The prompt is

What was the environment in which you were raised? Describe your family, home, neighborhood, or community, and explain how it has shaped you as a person.

February 8th, 2015 is a day that I will forever remember. It was a busy weekend playing in a very big volleyball tournament. I was in a good mood all weekend, because my team was doing very well. I was having the best weekend. After we won our last game before the championships, I ran over to my dad with the biggest smile on my face. My dad didn't have his normal happy face, he looked rather concerned, and sad even which I thought was rather odd. He then informed me that my grandfather in Kansas had a heart attack and passed away during my game. That's when my smile immediately changed, and tears formed in my eyes. I have never experienced so much hurt in my life. So many questions were running through my brain. I was shocked, frozen. To this day, that moment still replays in my head all the time. The man that I respected, and loved the most was gone. This moment shaped who I am today.


I grew up in the care of my grandparents, so I was very close to them especially my grandpa. Me being first born made our bond even more unbreakable. His death was really hard on me. For a while I was upset and really depressed. I soon realized that me being depressed is not what he would want me to be doing. My grandfather was the best man to me, and my family. He taught me about myself and shaped the person I am today. He taught a lot of things that I have learned. He always taught me never to give up, and I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. Not to let anyone tell me I cant do something, and if they do prove them wrong. He was my number one supporter. He pushed me to do my best and never to give up.

What my grandfather taught me back then I try to apply it to my everyday life. Everything I do is for him. His death motivates me to grind hard and don't let anyone stop me. Him telling me "never give up, you can achieve anything." Has really impacted me a lot. Him saying that influenced me to apply for the University of Texas. I am going to go to college and get my education. Proving everyone who doubted me wrong. I know I am making him proud of who I am today.

Rayleene, I am a bit concerned about the topic of the essay. I understand that you were vying for the discussion about family in this essay. However, the sole focus of your work is the relationship that you had with your grandfather. Now if this was an essay about someone who you looked up to or a role model in your life, then it I guess it would have been acceptable. But, this essay asks you to discuss your family as a whole. The unit that has come together in order to help shape the person you are. So that would mean presenting the impressions that you have of your father, mother, and siblings (first) then, if applicable, your grandparents (second). Their collective influence is what has helped to shape the person you have become today.

So what I am suggesting is this, try to involve your parents in the story somehow. Portray some influence upon you coming from each family member. This essay is asking you to present or introduce your family to the reviewer. It would be a shame to just introduce your grandfather and his influence on you in this instance. You just have to revise the essay to reflect the changes that I suggest are necessary.

@Holt
Thank you. I am having a little trouble with the prompt and how to go about answering it. any suggestions?

Okay. If I were to write this essay based upon the information that you gave me, I would probably develop it in the following manner:

Everyone says that each family has a patriarch, someone whose mere existence, whose presence, whether implied or physical, can turn the tide of trouble or present a solution to a problem when discord exists in a family. In most families, the father holds that position of high regard. In my family though, we have bestowed that position upon my father's father, my grandfather. He is our guiding light and anchor in a storm. He is the person who has had a hand in raising all of us either directly or indirectly.

My father looked up to his own father as the example of who a father should be....
My mother always sought his advice because....
Then were was me. The grandchild who spent the most time with him growing up....

His eventual death left our family lost for a few months. I was probably the most lost of them all....

That is how I would approach the essay to make it more family inclusive as per the prompt requirements. This is just my idea. I hope you can develop something original for yourself, something that applies more to what you want to say based upon it.