"Volunteering at the 4-H Fair" - Extracurricular activities brief

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences for Common App
I would really appreciate some feedback if it made sense adn answered the prompt. Also any grammar mistakes. It has to be 150 words adn I am 50 words above, but i don't know what to cut out. thank you!

"Two hotdogs and one sausage!" I shout out and then rush past the other waiters to get my customer's order. I remember when I first started volunteering here at the 4-H Fair two summers ago. I heard about it from my school's Key Club and was told I would be a waitress. Having no experience, I was very nervous with a million thoughts racing my mind. "What if I get the order wrong?" Will I remember where the hotdog buns are?"

However I put on a confident smile and each new order taught me good work habits.
Now, my second summer here, my charisma and leadership skills allowed me more important roles. I was put in charge to train the new volunteers, check on the supplies, and I was also promoted to work at the sausage stand.

Grease splatters on my face as I wait next to the stove for the hotdogs.
It is rush hour with many waiting customers. Still none of the chaos seems to hold me back. Instead it fuels my passion and enthusiasm to work harder, lead and help the others get our job done. I am looking forward to next summer.

"Here is your order ma'am. Have a nice day."

P.S. I wanted to add that the money raised was being donated to Children's Specialized Hospital, but not sure where to put that or if I should put it at all. Thank you!

"P.S. I wanted to add that the money raised was being donated to Children's Specialized Hospital, but not sure where to put that or if I should put it at all. Thank you!"

If you cannot incorporate it into the essay, you can mention it when you describe your extracurricular/work experience in the other part of the application.

"I heard about it from my school's Key Club and was told I would be a waitress." You can probably get rid of this.

"What if I get the order wrong?" Will I remember where the hotdog buns are?"

"However I put on a confident smile and each new order taught me good work habits. " What are these good work habits? How did these orders teach you good work habits?

"Grease splatters on my face as I wait next to the stove for the hotdogs." This seems really random and out of place after you talk about being promoted to a leadership position. I would work on a better transition between those segments.

It's definitely on the right track. I think the transitions could improve, however, and that you could emphasize more of what you learned and gained from the experience and less of what you did (you can mention how you got to train volunteers, check supplies, etc on the other part of the application).

Thanks swtlildee for your advise
I tried shortenign my essay and cutting some things out. Does it sound any better? Any suggestions from others is great! Thank you

"Two hotdogs and one sausage!" I shout out and then rush past the other waiters to get my customer's order. I remember when I first started volunteering here at the 4-H Fair two summers ago. Having no experience, I was anxious. However, I put my best foot forward. With each new order, I learned to be efficient, communicate with the other volunteers, and keep customers satisfied.

Now, my second summer here, my charisma and leadership skills allowed me more important roles such as training new volunteers, checking on supplies, and I being promoted to work the sausage stand.

It is rush hour now but the chaos is not holding me back. Instead it fuels my passion and enthusiasm to work harder. This experience gave me a glimpse of the real world with dedicated and independent people. I now see how hard my parents had to work to support their family.

Is this for the UC applications? If so double check its limit. The limit is 150 CHARACTERS not words. Which means this is significantly over the limit.

No it's just a part of the common application

Yes! In fact, I think you should make that the focus of the essay.

As the essay is now, it just shows that you were able to work at a sausage stand, which is not particularly impressive.

However, you DID demonstrate that you are an excellent writer. This is high quality writing, for sure. But I do not agree with the theme you chose. If you want to write about the sausage selling, you have to make it meaningful in some way. Did it give you some new insight into your own personality or values?

Make it so that this essay is about something more than just working at a sausage stand. The dialogue at the beginning and end do not help in any way. It is better to use your GREAT writing skill to express a meaningful theme.

Thank you for your help Kevin and I'm sorry this reply is so very late. With school and work, I was very busy. I did work on my essay and got my teacher to revise it. Thank you for all your help. :)