Volunteering at the hospital program made me proud and led to the person that I am today.

Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Whether it'd be a kettle corn stuck in my little brother's ear canal or severe sickness that had inflicted the health of my grandfather, I have always been intrigued by the many things that doctors have been able to do for my family. Through the many trips that my family has taken to the hospital due to various reasons, I have become fond of the hospital and its many wonders. After all the things that the medical field has done for me and my family, I decided to contribute to my local hospital to volunteer and help out those who pay visits to the hospital

Through the volunteer program at my hospital, I was able to gain a small first hand account of the various things that go on in the hospital and the bountiful opportunities that it has for me to help others. I was given the opportunity to help others and contribute to not just the hospital, but to my community through new, intricate ways. The volunteer program didn't just teach me how to gain leadership, but how to use that leadership to help others in the hospital and around the community. It also broke the silent, shy personality that was within me and created a new one where I was more open to help people in and out of the hospital. Once, I was told to escort an unfriendly elderly woman to her third floor room. Despite her nature, I was able to begin a friendly conversation with her and learn new things about her life. It seemed that each new day at the hospital created a new quality in me that benefited not just the hospital but the community as a whole.

Volunteering at the hospital program made me proud and led to the person that I am today. I am more involved in helping others around the community and more open to people then I have ever have been before. From using the leadership I gained at the hospital and the abilities to use it, I am able to help people in all different types of situations and lead others. To be able to help people even more than I previously had makes me feel more accomplish. Sometimes I wonder about the possibilities of becoming part of the medical field and extending the value of helping others through the field. But for now, every time that I go through the double automatic doors to do my weekly volunteering, it's another opportunity for me to extend my hand to the community and to add more character in the diverse personality that I already have.

any advice? please?

I applaud you for writing such a smooth flowing essay. I would personally add more details about the "volunteer program" so that the Admission Officers would have a better idea of what yo uare talking about.

You use many twice in this sentence. Try substituting it with another word.
Through the volunteer program at my hospital, I was able to gain a small first hand account of the many things that go on in the hospital and the many opportunities that it has for me to help others.

Maybe you can use different sentence starters to make this a bit better.
The hospital gave me the opportunity to help others and contribute to not just the hospital, but to my community through new, intricate ways. The volunteer program didn't just teach how to gain leadership, but how to use that leadership to help others in the hospital and around the community. The volunteer program also broke the silent, shy personality that was within me. The program broke that quality and created a new one where I was open to help people in and out of the hospital.

Volunteering at the hospital program made me proud and led me to be the person that I am today.

This is a good essay, but I think it can be a lot better. I especially like your opening sentence. The kettle corn stuck in your brother's ear, that's interesting.

thank you very much for the advice. do you think i should shorten out the last paragraph?

any more suggestions?

...another opportunity to extend my hand to the community and to add another dimension to my already multifaceted personality. more character in the diverse personality that I already have.

Maybe like that?

It will be better if you respond to both parts of their question in the first para. End the first para with a sentence about how it has affected the person you have become. At the end, maybe you can write something more confident and assertive than, Sometimes I wonder about the possibilities of becoming part of the medical field.... instead, maybe you should write that you fully intend to practice medicine in some form or another.

Here's my final draft. Due to limited space i have, i wasnt able to incorporate some of the advices that you guys given to me. What do you guys think about it?

do you guys think its ok?