'Voluntering at a hospital, the fine arts' - Rutgers Essay

Feel free to butcher. I know its not that great

Required Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered.

High school. An establishment in which first impressions and appearances are key to survival. An establishment in which the rumor cycle could destroy your reputation instantaneously. An establishment so daunting to teenagers, they would lost sight of who they are just to fit into the popular crowd. Due to the large amount of cultural references made on television, movie screens, and novels, these were the first ideas that came to mind when I thought of it. I hadn't even taken the first steps into that monstrous institution and I already felt that I would dread the next four years of my life. I would make no friends, gain more weight than I already had, and do terribly with my grades. Surprisingly, the polar opposite of all of these suppositions occurred by the end of junior year. I was content with my grades, I lost a tremendous amount of weight, and most importantly, I experienced the diversity that existed within my school by interacting with a wide variety of people. These interactions were vital for my development from an awkward and reserved teenager to the more outgoing and friendly person I am today. Even though I thank high school for bringing about great changes within me, attending the right university can enrich these developments. This is why Rutgers University is right for me. I can help contribute to its diversity with my volunteering experience, appeal towards the finer arts, and mixed cultural background as well as benefit from its richly multifaceted environment.

My volunteering experience can be a great asset to the variety that exists within Rutgers University. Throughout my high school career, I have been volunteering at the Shore Memorial Hospital in Somers Point for the Medical Explorers club, where various adults with different occupational careers come and explain their jobs and their prospective outlook in the future. Also, members assisted with the mechanics of the hospital's facilities. This experience had intrigued me greatly and unraveled my desire to help others who need it, whether medically, emotionally, or financially. This desire could be satiated by the various community service projects that exist in all Rutgers's branches. (I don't know what else to put)

Although school work was my main priority throughout my education, the fine arts have always been a personal passion of mine. I have played percussive instruments from ever since fifth grade, sang in chorus and for other events since the seventh grade, and participated in theatrical productions on multiple occasions. I attempt to take all performing arts extracurricular activities because it has always alleviated my stress and helped me focus throughout the school years. The people that I have met in this particular social class also played a huge role in my character development because of their kind demeanor and sociability. I hope to join just as many programs that are available within the Rutgers community in order to broaden my horizons in this particular field.

Lastly, my mix of Indian and American cultures can contribute to Rutgers's diversity. Because I was born in the United States and my parents were born in India and moved to the United States, I could never be completely typified as either Indian or American. I would always be a culmination of both cultures. As an "Indian American", I have always been taught to respect my elders and ask for their blessings, as per Indian tradition, yet assert my opinion and let my voice be heard, which comes from American culture. Culture clashes do occur sporadically, but are quickly settled as to assure that I stand my ground on certain ideas. This combination has proven to be advantageous in many situations and can contribute greatly to Rutgers's Indian subpopulation.

As I reach the end of my high school career, I look back at all I have done with a smile. Sure, there are moments where I wish I could have done things differently, but those moments are the ones that brought about the greatest changes within me.

PLEASE HELP.

Third sentence there is a grammar mistake: "...they would lose sight of who they are just to fit into the popular crowd. " I know you're trying to make a statement by reusing the word establishment, but I don't think that it's the right word to do that with. It's...too long maybe? But it could work I suppose.

The next sentence not part of that pattern: "Due to the large amount of cultural references made on television, movie screens, and novels, these were the first ideas that came to mind when I thought of it." I had to read about 4 times before I kind of understood what you were trying to say, I think. Maybe you could rephrase it? Because the things you pointed out earlier, I don't think are examples of "cultural references". You could maybe pose the sentence like "These were the only things I knew about it from watching television and movies and reading books; these were the first things that came to mind and I was scared." etc.

The next part where you talk about what would happen, I think you should make it more hypothetical. Instead of "I would make no friends, gain more weight than I already had, and do terribly with my grades." you could say "I saw this overweight kid who had no friends and horrible grades." And maybe combine it with the sentence prior: "I hadn't even taken the first steps into that monstrous institution and I already felt that I would dread the next four years of my life: I saw this overweight kid who had no friends and horrible grades."

Also, in the next sentence, "I was content with my grades, I lost a tremendous amount of weight,..." are all fragments. You should take the same style as I suggested in the previous, except maybe put a "-" instead of a colon and combine it with the previous sentence. I also don't think you should use the word "suppositions;" it makes you sound like you just went to the thesaurus and picked a word that sounded smart. It incapacitates you in a way that you don't seem like you are.

In your second paragraph, scratch the first sentence. You just said in your last sentence of the first paragraph that your volunteering would be a great asset, don't get reiterate it so soon. Just start with your second sentence. I don't understand the part about assisting with the mechanics of the facility, it's too confusing and random. Why did that experience want to make you help people, how did it bring about that intriguing feeling? You need to make sure that's part of it, otherwise it's not really an asset, it's just a statement. There's no emotional connection to it. And also, you last sentence should say "all OF Rutger's branches."

In your third paragraph, "I have played percussive instruments from ever since fifth grade, sang in chorus and for other events since the seventh grade, and participated in theatrical productions on multiple occasions." scratch the "from" in the first couple words. I would also rewrite this sentence: "I attempt to take all performing arts extracurricular activities because it has always alleviated my stress and helped me focus throughout the school years." Perhaps more like "I take every art class and activity that is offered to me because it has given and will always give me a sense of relief." The next sentences also lack that emotional response. Art is not, in my opinion, a social class. It is the wrong word and gives too much a feeling of rigidity and lacks the feeling of creativity. I also dont think that you should say you want to broaden your horizons in that field necessarily, but more continue with it because it is something that you love. Something you love has to embody that passion, you have to make the reader FEEL it. They have to see that the love you bring for the arts is something they want, not just something that you want to do to fill extra space.

In your last paragraph, I would say "...but also to assert my opinion and let my voice be heard, something that comes from my American culture." instead of what you wrote in your third sentence or so. You already started with the fact that your culture would be an asset at Rutger, don't end the same paragraph with it as well. Too...repetitive.

On your last sentence, you need a stronger last thought. maybe add this "...but those moments are the ones that brought about the greatest changes within me, the changes that made me who I am and wish to be."

Overall, your essay has a good start, but like I said earlier, in my opinion, your essay lacks that emotional response that makes you stand out. You sound very formal, even when you talk about something so passionate as art. You need to find a way to harness your passion and pull it in. It is such an important part of it all, and it's something that nobody can tell you how to do. Read over your essay again, and try to put in your own personal thoughts and reactions and opinions. Expand on the simple things that hold the greatest pleasure for you like how your volunteering has inspired you, or why you want to be in arts at Rutger, and how your culture is something that you're proud of, and you want to show off. Don't hold back, just let you be you. :) I guarantee you, you're essay will become stunning.

good luck! I hope you get in to Rutger.

Thank you so much for the help! :D