This is the main common essay that I have been working on to apply to schools such as Purdue, U of Michigan and Northwestern. I feel like I need to shorten the essay a bit and revise several grammatical errors. Please feel free to comment on anything and enjoy
Prompt
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family. (Max 650 Words)
The wait is finally over. Its graduation day, except the typical robes and square caps are swapped with ironed uniforms, polished boots, and lopsided berets. Instead of jovial expressions among graduates, a presence of austerity and dignity is palpable even among the guests. One hundred seventy seven survivors of five arduous week at boot camp stood aligned in formation, all eager to manifest the transformation that has taken place. Aegukka (the national anthem of South Korea) resonated across the field as the trainees were saluting the flag. Just then, I spotted my widowed mother approaching me with a single line badge that indicates the ranking of a private. Emotions running high, she burst into tears while I struggled to manage a stern face, unwilling to succumb to her tears. The moment she put on that insignia, it marked the transition of a child to that proverbial man.
Despite my father's countless endeavors to fend off, leukemia got the better of him. It was a devastating blow for an eleven year old boy to cope with. Never was I granted the luxury of a father-to-son talk nor was there an intimate father figure to look up to. Devoid of a dad, I wasn't properly educated about the steps involved in growing up. Enlisting in the ROKA (Republic of Korean Army) not only answered these questions I had about becoming an adult, but also served as a threshold to attain qualities to become just that.
To begin with, I claimed economic independence for the first time by subsisting on my own meager income . Every grinding mile covered in PT exercise and every tedious hour spent on guard duty were compensated by hard-earned monthly paychecks. Being accustomed to periodic allowance, I was never cognizant of how taxing it was to make a buck. This change of perspective pertaining to money was just a start to my development.
Wearing the ROKA uniform offered me firsthand experience on establishing leadership and embracing the responsibilities that entails such title. During the initial stage of private, I was entrusted with a K-2 rifle, a symbol of immense power which demanded precision and discipline. Moving up the ladder, more responsibilities were placed on my shoulders. As corporal, I was assigned to supervise the supply warehouse where distribution and replenishment of costly mechanic parts were conducted in a systematic manner. Soon after being promoted to sergeant, I was named squad leader of a seven-man team. I strove to excel in every facet so that I could lead them by example. My dedication and affection towards the squad not only won their utmost respect but furthermore acted as a catalyst of uniting the crew regardless of our differences.
Narcissism and ego, once characterized by my boyhood, gradually forged into humility and appreciation. I cast aside past tendency to think the world revolved around me. Rather, I recognized the value of prioritizing the need of others ahead of mine for the greater good. Meanwhile, the deplorable condition and hostile nature of military life gave me a sense of gratitude for everything. Routines such as having to sleep in crammed barracks reminded me of the loving home I took for granted all these years. Slowly but surely, I witnessed the self-evident maturation taking place.
Twenty months have passed since the Recruit Training graduation. Currently, my rank is sergeant and I hold the position of Unit Supply Specialist for the Armored-Reconnaissance Battalion of the 11th division. Even now, I guard my post during the frigid winter nights honorably to protect my family from exterior threats so that they may sleep with serenity. I have now grown to recognize that my services for my country and loved ones are retrospective of all the previous sacrifices my mother made to secure my auspicious future which I'm eternally indebted to. In hindsight, the military experience was an agonizing, but at the same time, a necessary building block for me to move onto adulthood.
James, this is a unique essay regarding transitioning to adulthood. I doubt that there will be another essay like this in the bunch. It truly holds the readers interest and shows a definite transition in stages on your part. That said, I believe that the word count can still be brought down. Let me try to do that for you below.
Despite my father's countless endeavors to fend off, leukemia got the better of him. It was a devastating blow for an eleven year old boy to cope with. Never was I granted the luxury of a father-to-son talk nor was there an intimate father figure to look up to. Devoid of a dad, I wasn't properly educated about the steps involved in growing up. Enlisting in the ROKA (Republic of Korean Army) not only answered these questions I had about becoming an adult, but also served as a threshold to attain qualities to become just that.
Wearing the ROKA uniform offered me firsthand experience on establishing leadership and embracing the responsibilities that entails such title. During the initial stage of private, I was entrusted with a K-2 rifle, a symbol of immense power which demanded precision and discipline. Moving up the ladder, more responsibilities were placed on my shoulders. As corporal, I was assigned to supervise the supply warehouse where distribution and replenishment of costly mechanic parts were conducted in a systematic manner. Soon after being promoted to sergeant, I was named squad leader of a seven-man team. I strove to excel in every facet so that I could lead them by example. My dedication and affection towards the squad not only won their utmost respect but furthermore acted as a catalyst of uniting the crew regardless of our differences.
Narcissism and ego, once characterized by my boyhood, gradually forged into humility and appreciation. I recognized the value of prioritizing the need of others ahead of mine for the greater good. Meanwhile, the deplorable condition and hostile nature of military life gave me a sense of gratitude for everything. Routines such as having to sleep in crammed barracks reminded me of the loving home I took for granted all these years. Slowly but surely, I witnessed the self-evident maturation taking place.
Twenty months have passed since the Recruit Training graduation. Currently, my rank is sergeant and I hold the position of Unit Supply Specialist for the Armored-Reconnaissance Battalion of the 11th division. Even now, I guard my post during the frigid winter nights honorably to protect my family from exterior threats so that they may sleep with serenity. I have now grown to recognize that my services for my country and loved ones are retrospective of all the previous sacrifices my mother made to secure my auspicious future which I'm eternally indebted to. In hindsight, the military experience was an agonizing, but at the same time, a necessary building block for me to move onto adulthood.
This version is 426 and I believe that it concentrates more on the important aspects surrounding your transition to adulthood in terms of military and social importance. I hope you agree with my suggested changes :-)
