hello, i'm new to this ,though i think it'll really be helpful! this is my second draft and i'm concerned that after cutting so many words the message isn't as strong as i would like it to be.
a summary of topic : tell us more about yourself
thank you for your help!
"Get me some water!" Mother commanded the kitchen as if it was an emergency room. Barely managing too maintain sight, the last thing I saw was her grieve stricken face before the darkness eased my agony.
As an exception to all possibilities, I was born with the will power to pursue my passion, therefore on many occasions I found myself protecting my belief from pessimists with unwavering believe that we are 'disadvantaged'.
Nkululeko- meaning Freedom-indisputably the most common for children born in 1994. Our generation has come to be known as the "born frees", a genesis that was meant to be encountered with opportunities which were previously unattainable. However, the nation soon realized that besides structural predicaments our 'meant-to-be-great' class of 2012 was not prospering as intended and since that revelation dawned on our population; public figures have taken to reminding us that we are "disadvantaged".
Although they argument contains a degree of veracity, As a student who has overcome the predicaments bestowed upon us the children of uneducated single parents, I tend to become the loudest advocate of a different tale to that declared by the media. On the contrary, I fail too see how anyone with unconquerable passion should be reduced like this.
Uncertain where to begin explaining to my mother the cause that led me to insomnia, I drifted back to a light slumber. Simfisile, an insomniac and the main character of a story that had been assembling itself in my head, woke me up shortly afterwards.
Ignoring the physical impacts of not sleeping for four days and my perplexed mother, I reached out for my note pad and supplied Simfisile with the fulfillment she so eagerly demanded. I had contemplated the story for months and then starved for two days before going into four days without sleep, all so I could better understand my disturbed character and as the pen and paper made love, I knew that the world could offer no better drug than that of writing.
With living my life exempt from the term 'disadvantaged' I have been able to hunt down the core traits of the characters that frequently voice their stories through me. Consequently, making me enemies with Possibility, because what are the possibilities that a person indoctrinated to a pessimistic believe would viciously seek out their passion and commit to it?
Educated men may devoutly deposit their trust in the conclusions of Probability, but considering how a nation wide effort too convince me that my future is bleak has failed, dismally. I am without a doubt that those believers in probability are yet to be 'educated'...or perhaps, they are yet to be driven to insomnia by a love for what they do.
Looking at me crouched over a book on the floor, mother regurgitated the doctrine, and "You need money to be a writer
The message had landed successfully in her: "You poor". "You disadvantaged"."We understand".
I may have been born to a hereditary life sentence of being deprived of wings to soar, but even the Wright Brothers were not birds. So as my mother preached the status quo, I looked up and replied, "As long as I'm breathing, it will be done!"
Great job on the paper! It really is unique. Good use of vocab words. However, I suggest showing it to a English teacher. If he says its fine, then you are good to go :)
Hey, thanx for the comment, it was quite insightful.
I'll implement the recommended corrections.
As for the body, are you sure you lost attention on account of the vocabulary or do I really need to work on making it a little more coherent?
Thanx again for your help!
