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"well-rounded person" - FSU entrance essay


jodim10 1 / 2  
Sep 18, 2009   #1
I like to believe that I'm a well-rounded person. Up to this point in my life I've achieved both academic and athletic success. I realish my position as a student athlete. I've worked hard and have put myself in a postion of leadership, an opportunity to lead and mentor from the front. With the help of my family, friends and teachers we've created an environment that has embodied my personal high standards that will carry me throughout my life, beginning at Florida State University.

Vince Lombardi wrote, "Individual commitment to a group effort-that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work." I've played organized sports nearly my entire life, most recently basketball and track at the varsity level. Physical strength is not all I strive for. For me, being a success on the court, track, or in the classroom takes comittment, and organization by all involved. I have learned how to test and expand personal limits, to get the most out of every training session. My single efforts affect the whole group, if I want to to be a success it will take a group effort. I take great pride in representing my family, my school and community in all that I do. Having strong morals and a good head on my shoulders is just as important to me as my intellectual strengths. I take very seriously that I am a constant example for younger students and adults. My parents have created a close Christian home, I live my life accordingly and try to simply be the best I can in everything I put my hand to.

My strong faith is the most important element of my life. I was one of the lucky ones; I have strong, loving parents and a older sister who all of which have steered me in the right direction. Part of being a positive influence is reaching out to other people in a friendly but confident young adult. I'm an extremely hard worker, a strong character trait that will serve me well at the next level in my life. I have gained the respect of my teammates, my coaches, teachers and my peers. I embody the aspect of Mores with all I have.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 18, 2009   #2
I like to believe that I'm a well-rounded person.

Generally, it's not a good idea to begin an application essay with "I like to believe." It rings false, leading the reader to distrust what comes next.

we've created an environment that has embodied my personal high standards

Is that some sort of biosphere in which you will live while pursuing your studies? If not, you need to reword this so that it makes sense. You seem to be just throwing a lot of words and phrases -- environment, embodied, high standards -- together and hoping they will make a sentence.

Vince Lombardi wrote, "Individual commitment to a group effort-that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work."

Did he write that or say that? Check to be sure.

In summary, all that I get from this essay is that you are Christian and like to play sports. Because FSU is a public school, they can't favor Christians over people of other faiths. That leaves sports as the only thing you say about yourself that they might be able to use as a reason to accept you. Perhaps you could find some more specific things to say about yourself, your life, your achievements, or your aspirations?
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 18, 2009   #3
Pick a single, specific narrative incident that will allow you to show your good qualities, instead of trying to tell us about them. That will solve a lot of your problems.
macca 3 / 15  
Sep 18, 2009   #4
I realish my position as a student athlete.

You mean relish?

I'm an extremely hard worker, a strong character trait that will serve me well at the next level in my life. I have gained the respect of my teammates, my coaches, teachers and my peers. I embody the aspect of Mores with all I have.

not enough evidence to back this up.

I think the whole essay lacks focus and has many unmeaningful,general and cliche sentences. Perhaps you should start with something specific.
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Sep 19, 2009   #5
Hi, Jodi! You have gotten some excellent advice from the moderators and members here; the fact of the matter is that this essay needs serious revision. I have an idea.

Consider this draft "free-writing." Now you have to read your statements and prove them. What academic and athletic successes have you achieved? How were they achieved? Who do you mentor, what leadership positions do you hold on your teams, and why were you appointed the leader? By the way, if you have already achieved success, why will your life begin at Florida State?

Read your free-writing, and make a list of examples to prove your statements. This will give you the ability to brain-storm a more complex narrative. From there you can work on conciseness.

You also need to eliminate all the contractions.
I hope this helps, Jodi, and I look forward to the rough draft! :)

Jeannie
dj1126 /  
Sep 19, 2009   #6
I think the content is very good. It was NOT boring and your description is very vivid.
OP jodim10 1 / 2  
Sep 19, 2009   #7
Thanks very much for all the input, I'll rewrite and resubmit for review.
OP jodim10 1 / 2  
Sep 19, 2009   #8
It's easy to forget the big picture when your daily life is packed with academics and athletics. Every college student has dreams. For student-athletes, those dreams usually include competing at the next level, whatever that may be. There's nothing wrong with it, but I know to well that the reality is that fewer than 5 percent of all college athletes move on to the next level. This does not mean I must drop athletic pursuits altogether.

My Plan A is to pursue my dream of studying Sports Physiology/Sports Medicine. Without much effort I understand that I should pay more attention to the student part of my student-athlete title. A sign hanging in my guidance counselers office reinforces this to me, "Be ready for whatever opportunities life presents after college". I've put myself in positions of leadership in many forms, most notably my schools student council and selection as a team captain for the past three years. I understand that each student brings value to the institution in different ways, whether it be musical talent, academic excellence, or athletic ability. My love of sports has taught me many skills that will serve me well in college and beyond. I have demonstrated that I am goal oriented, work well in a group, communicate, well organized and disciplined.

Vince Lombardi said, "Individual commitment to a group effort-that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work." I have learned how to test and expand personal limits, to get the most out of every training session. I take great pride in representing my family, my school and community in all that I do. I'm an extremely hard worker, that will serve me well at the next level in my life. I embody the aspect of Mores with all I have.


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