Whenever I went to summer camp we always played fish bowl - Penn supplement

The Admissions Committee would like to learn why you are a good fit for your undergraduate school choice (College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, or Penn Engineering). Please tell us about specific academic, service, and/or research opportunities at the University of Pennsylvania that resonate with your background, interests, and goals. (400-650 words)

Please help!!!!
<START>
I love a good argument, or more like a good debate. Whenever I went to summer camp we always played fish bowl. We were presented with a topic and two of us debated it out. My list of points would go on and on and I always enjoyed it. Being older, that is still something I love to do. This is why one of my goals is to go to law school. Specifically I want to go into family law.

Becoming a part of the College of Arts and Sciences will help me to achieve this goal. I want to major in PPE. This would allow me to apply my skills to my field of work. With my passion for the things I love I know I will be able to achieve this goal with the help of some of the top professors. I could also further my studies by minoring in one of the PPE fields. I would be working along with Dr.Sen who would help me with any thing PPE related.

Another interest of mine is volunteer work. The rewarding feeling of helping others is something I look forward to. If accepted into Civic House, I would be fulfilling this feeling. I truly believe a small group of people can change the world. Working alongside a diverse, close group of people only adds to that rewarding feeling. I know we would be able to bring about change in the community if apart of this experience. Every year I volunteer at the clothes closet in my city. We give school uniforms to those that need them. It feels good being able to help those who are in need. This keeps me grateful and humble for the things I have.

Volunteer work keeps me appreciative for my life. I thank God for everything I have. Joining the NSP will keep my relationship with God growing. This is another rewarding feeling. I would be spreading the love of God my favorite way-through song. I would love to bring that feeling to other students on and off campus. This would keep me grounded and hopeful for the future while studying at the College.

As a part of the College of Arts and Sciences, I know I could bring about change on the campus and in the community. I am passionate about the things I do and put my all into everything. I believe this is important in living a successful, Godly life. Studying at the University of Pennsylvania will help me to achieve my goals and further my many interests. <END>

As a reader, I believe your essay answers the questions of the prompt, but the execution could be improved with minor changes to sentence structure and word choice.

For example, "I love a good argument, or more like a good debate. Whenever I went to summer camp we always played fish bowl. We were presented with a topic and two of us debated it out. My list of points would go on and on and I always enjoyed it. Being older, that is still something I love to do. This is why one of my goals is to go to law school. Specifically I want to go into family law." could be written as "I loved arguing and debating; whenever I went to summer camp, I played a game called 'Fish Bowl', and had to debate on any given topic. My points of argument were unrelenting, and joy would overtake me as the game went on. My love developed into a passion, and years later, I aimed to attend law school.

Changes like that. Also, putting the second paragraph with your last one would keep a sense of organization in your paper. Currently, your paper sounds like "1) interest, 2) why im a good fit, 3) back to interest". Any reader would appreciate an organized paper.

thanks!