Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I may appear cookie cutter and dime a dozen on the outside. White, blonde, good grades, various extracurriculars- I shan't bore with details. But there are two things that have completely made me. First, that I grew up in the suburbs, and second, that I have the most wonderful dad on the face of the earth. (This isn't meant to be superlative- I truly believe it.)
The suburbs have made a wonderful impact upon my life. Conformity here is inherent- even in my preteen years I saw and rejected it. Even at 96 pounds and 4'10" I refused to wear the clothes of my peers and chose to dress like an adult. Upon receiving the inquiry "Why are you dressed like you're going to work?" I merely shrugged and wondered at the speaker's backwards, flat brimmed hat. My pursuit of academics- especially the sciences- also veered dangerously outside of the norm. The more I learned, the more curiosity I had, and I yearned for my studies to become more difficult and more in depth. This was unheard of- even the smart kids voiced their distaste for school and learning. I never really realized outright that this was abnormal. It was merely the way I was, and I never saw a problem with it. As my height increased, so did my lust for knowledge, which can be attributed to my most wonderful father.
It is not uncommon for my sisters to enter a room and find a fierce argument between my dad and me. Looking through a window onto the scene it would appear to be the typical father-daughter argument about a piercing, tattoo, or disagreeable boyfriend. But that is not the case, for we are doubtlessly debating over some understanding of physics, chemistry, or mathematics. Voices get raised, emotions get high, but we are the opposite of resentful. See, despite not having the financial means to get through much college, my dad has consistently shown me what true lifelong learning looks like. He, with his leisurely perusing of Wikipedia, can match my own knowledge of AP Chemistry in debate with ease. He taught me about the rotation of the planets and iambic pentameter long before I reached the concepts in school, and I, to his current disbelief, still remember with precision exactly what he told me. He feeds off of my intense curiosity, and I off of his, which has always created an immense amount of respect on both sides.
All of these influences combined led me to discover my passion for science, and in more research, engineering. I know that I will use my love for science to create and build something far beyond what I can currently imagine possible, and most definitely, something far from cookie cutter.
It's a little rough, so any and all criticism is EXTREMELY welcome :)
It's pretty good, but there are some mistakes
-I'm not sure if shan't is a word, maybe use won't instead
-instead of saying that "I grew up in the suburbs, and second, that I have the most wonderful dad on the face of the earth."
say sometingt like "My childhood in the suburbs and my wonderful father have made me who I am today"
-Also is the part in parentheses actually part of the essay or is it just for the editors? You may want to remove it or take it out of the parentheses if it is actually apart of your essay because it creates a little confusion
- You include dialogue, which can be worthwhile but you need to be careful if you want to use it effectively.
- You do a very good job of describing your appearance in your essay, but I'm not sure thats necessarily important in realtion to the prompt
- I like the connection between height and your heighten intelligence so you may want to keep in the physical description section, its really a writers choice type of thing.
-You bring up your father's financial problems without any intro and this seems a little random
-You do a great job in your conclusion with the return of the cokkie cutter quote
-Explain a little more about how your father has made you the person you are, specific traits maybe?
-use a specific debate with oyur father instead of just a general one
-You talk about your love of math and science but you discuss how your father taught you about iambic pentameter (an english term if I'm not mistaken) maybe use a different science term or just eliminate the mention of iambic pentamater
Overall it was a great job. Good luck and happy writing
All of your reply is extremely accurate. I'm wondering if I took on too much in describing BOTH suburbia and my dad.. and I also am worried that my use of irony is obvious or if I just appear stuck up and overconfident in a lot of it, because that's definitely not my intention. Any feedback on those two worries as well as the essay itself? Preparing for some heavy editing... :/
You may have taken a little bit too much time describing.
Also I'm not sure your choice to use irony is the best way to go about writing this essay. it could work, but I think its a bit risky. Maybe you could just focus on your dad because it seems like you have a lot there you could write about, especially specific singular examples.
Other than that look at my previous notes and you can fix it up. Good luck
In my opinion, it seems like you've taken on too much with trying to describe both your dad, and your life in the suburbs. I reckon you'll either have to unite them further, or choose one to write your essay about. Choosing two topics might prevent you from evaluating the deeper influence of both.
