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wonder and intrigue on how my high school career would unfold; UC essay "My urge for determination"



teddy411 1 / 1  
Nov 29, 2008   #1
any feedback is greatly appreciated.

As I commenced my high school journey, I was faced with fear ,wonder and intrigue on how my high school career would unfold .I would soon realize that High School was not what I expected. During my first years, I was often categorized as the typical shy kid who lacked social skills. Kids often depicted me as being awkward because I heavily restricted most conversations. I could see the fierce hatred and displeasure towards me simply to see me fail. I do candidly admit that I was a victim of being bullied However, I did not let these social adversities undermine me from my ultimate goal which is to be successful in my academics. I was viewed as an "outcast" , yet these experiences influenced me to find my true identity. That identify which expressed myself and is not formulated to comply with others' expectations. I might of been a "reject" from the typical crowd ,but I upheld my morals and did not let myself to be manipulated in any way. I was determined to exemplify persistence, productivity and patience regardless of external factors. Now that I look back , I realize that my determination to succeed was imperative for me to surpass and cope with the social obstacles that I went through. Based on my experiences throughout life, I can proudly say that being determined is my best personal quality.

fabxx 9 / 6  
Nov 29, 2008   #2
I'm not an expert in giving critiques so bear with me here.

The UC prompt #2 is Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are. (for those future readers who aren't familiar with UC prompts XD)

I think college essays like for you to guide them step by step toward your accomplishments/experiences as opposed to simply tell them. For example you wrote: "I was viewed as an "outcast" , yet these experiences influenced me to find my true identity. " How did you change? Did you just change overnight? What triggered you to change? Any dialogues you remember that helped you find your true identity?

Is this your whole essay or just part of it? I feel you can write more, add some more detail and "spice" it up. Good luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 30, 2008   #3
I was faced with fear, wonder and intrigue about ...

I see that in many places you have a space before the period that ends the sentence.

I could see the displeasure, and sometimes fierce hatred, from my peers who simply wished to see me fail. I do candidly admit that I was a common victim chosen by bullies.

Part of my identify involves expressing myself without regad for compliance with others' expectations. I might have been a "reject" from the typical crowd, but I upheld my morals and did not let myself to be manipulated in any way. I was determined to exemplify persistence, productivity and patience regardless of external factors. Now that I look back , I realize that my determination to succeed was imperative for me to surpass and cope with the social obstacles that I went encountered .

I hope you have great success in college! Thanks for letting us help with this essay.

Kevin


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