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"Working behind the front desk of a hospital" -Common APP Extracurricular



comcus 1 / 1  
Oct 20, 2010   #1
I worked at a Hospital and I wanted to include it in the extracurricular section of the common app. It has to be 150 words or fewer... I'm at 192... I'm not sure what to cut, what to add, I kind of messed an old essay into this one. Help???

Over the summer you could find me behind the front desk of (name of Hospital). My job was to answer phone calls, look up patients names, and walk people to their destinations. I learned so much while working: humility, respect, empathy. It was not my right as a volunteer to judge that walked up to me by first impressions. By meeting so many different people I went from shy underclassmen to mature young adult. I learned a lot about the complexities of each person's character. Older people needed you to sometimes write down the room number of their loved one, because they might come back to the desk laughing about how they forget the number. Some people might be stressed out because they need their medical records in the basement to file a claim. While other people are in a jolly good mood because their sister had a baby in the maternity ward and they need a number to order flowers. The hospital has a wide variety of different moods coming in and out in the form of people. It's a volunteers job to greet each and every one of the visitors positively.

akshays1993 - / 5  
Oct 21, 2010   #2
Some grammatical corrections:

... look up patients' names, and walk people ...

It was not my right as a volunteer to judge people based on first impressions.

Older people sometimes needed me to write down the room number

... to file a claim, while other people are in a jolly good mood ...

It's a volunteer' s job to greet each and ...

I may not have covered all the grammatical errors, but I believe these are the essential ones. Overall, I think this essay answers the prompt, but some of the sentences seem awkward, especially the clause "while other people are in a jolly good mood because their sister had a baby in the maternity ward and they need a number to order flowers". There might be some problems with agreement with the subject, so I would just reword this. Good luck.
OP comcus 1 / 1  
Oct 21, 2010   #3
k thanks!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Oct 25, 2010   #4
I kind of messed an old essay into this one.

That's a strange use of the verb "mess." I like it!

Apostrophe!
... look up patients' names, and walk people to their destinations.

A word is missing: It was not my right as a volunteer to judge that walked up to me by first impressions.

Incomplete sentence:
While other people are in a jolly good mood because their sister had a baby in the maternity ward and they need a number to order flowers.

Don't say "variety of different"
The hospital has a wide variety of different moods coming ...

Apostrophe!
It's a volunteer 's job to greet each and every one of the visitors positively.

:-D


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