"You should also be working at 14 since your father did" - Short Answer

"Your father had a job when he was fourteen, and so did your two sisters. There's no reason why you shouldn't be working."

My mom's words were enough to get me to go find a job. I started working at Dairy Queen more than two years ago, during the summer of 2008. Initially, I couldn't be left alone without the boss around. He observed as I maintained the cleanliness and quality of the store, and while I greeted and served customers. After that first summer, I started working longer shifts, and was given more responsibility. As I gained more experience, I was trusted to do things more independently, and, eventually began managing the store and serving customers by myself. Just a few weeks ago, I received the key to the store-a key representing not only a key to the front door of DQ, but to success and responsibility in the workplace.

this is 150 words, it can't be any more than that. What do you guys think?

I like it, I'm not sure your thesis sentence makes sense with the rest of the passage though. I understand it is the attention-getter part, so maybe just try tying it in better. I know this would be difficult because of the word limit, but going a few words over isn't a big deal, admissions counselors have way to much to do than to count words.

Ok thanks I see what you're saying.

Initially, I couldn't be left alone without the boss around. ----This sentence is worded in an awkward way. I could tell you ways to fix it, but I think you can figure it out easily. :-)

After that first summer, I started working longer shifts (no need for a comma here ) and was given more responsibility. As I gained more experience, I was trusted to do things more independently, and, eventually began managing the store and serving customers (can you replace these words with specific examples?) manage the store by myself.

I like the ending...

Nice anecdote.
Good transitions. Logically progresses good.
It is good for the character count. You could probably elaborate a lot.

I started working at 16 in Marshall, was there until this year @ 18.