"Working at Kmart" - Briefly elaborate on on of your work experiences

Can I get some people to read my answer to the question: please briefly elaborate on one of your work experiences (150 words or fewer)? I want someone to revise it for me before I make it my final answer. My answer to the question is below.

I have been working at Kmart for nearly three years and have enjoyed my time there. I started out as a cashier, a few months into the job I became an electronics associate. Currently they moved me to stock associate where my main duty is to put out freight and maintenance counters. Working since the age of sixteen made me a better person and a harder worker. I enjoy helping customers; I get a satisfying feeling when I help others. I belive that working with customers has given me the motivation to help people to better their lives, and would like to have a career were the main objective is to help someone in need. I missed out on a lot of opportunities in high school due to working, however, in return I'm more responsible, a better student, and I'm ready for the next stage of my life.

I have been working at Kmart for nearly three years and have enjoyed my time there.
It has now been three years that I have enjoyed working at Kmart.

I started out as a cashier, a few months into the job I became an electronics associate.
Though I started as a cashier I soon became an electronics associate, now I hold a position as a stock associate where my main duties are...

Currently they moved me to stock associate where my main duty is to put out freight and maintenance counters. Working since the age of sixteen has not only made me a better person but also a harder worker. I enjoy helping customers; I get a it is a satisfying feeling when Ito help others. I belive believe that working with customers has given me the motivation to help people to better theirthe lives of others, and I would like to have a career were the main objective is to helpingsomeonethose in need. Though I missed out on a lot ofmany opportunities in high school due to working , however, inI intend to return I'm moreto school as a responsible, engaged a better student, and I'm ready to work hard in the next stage of my life.

(the last bit needs to talk about the chance at getting back at some of those lost opportunities you talked about - that is why I added engaged but you need to select a word that best suits your circumstances) :)

Where exactly are you applying for? When I was applying for Best Buy, I only had to extremely briefly expound on my duties at the ball park I had previously worked for.

I'm applying to colleges. My response is to the short answer part of the Common Application.