I just finished my first draft of my UC Prompt. Any suggestions or corrections?
Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Walking into my classroom on my first day of junior high school, I made my way to the first empty desk and took a seat. As I nervously awaited the bell to ring, a group of classmates took their seats around me. Everything ...
However, I soon came to realize that living in this world of transition also came with many advantages. Forced to adapt to a new society repeatedly, I became not only an independent individual, but an extroverted people's person.
And this is the only correction that I can make. I hope someone else might help you more than I do (I am an international high school student, with English only as a second language).
Knowing how important it is in this moment to feel appreciated, I really wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed reading your essay. It is one of the best I have put my eyes on so far. Well chosen details, no incoherence, the essay flows and the sentences are remarkable. The kind of sentences that struck you at a first glance.
Wish you the best of luck! You truly are a great writer :)
Can anybody just read my essay and tell me what I'm missing. I'm working specifically on the bolded paragraph and need a second opinion on what to add.
"So what elementary school did you come from?"
Awaiting the bell to signal the beginning of my first day of junior high, I heard this dreaded question by a group of classmates. I took a deep breath and began to explain that I had just moved into the area and hadn't attended elementary school nearby. My classmates nodded, and soon the conversation shifted towards a different topic. Everyone was fine - except me.
Growing up as a child of two full time Christian missionaries, I learned that my lifestyle lacked one thing - permanence. The inevitable presence of change in my life always seemed to come bearing challenges and hardships. Born in New Jersey, raised in the Philippines, and brought up in Indonesia all whilst living in a traditional Korean household, I lived in a world that was constantly being transformed around me. Receiving my first passport at two weeks old and having it renewed four times by the time I was twelve, all I ever seemed to do in my life was move.
In the summer of 2005, my family had moved yet again. A naïve preteen in a pivotal stage of adolescence, I was moved from the polluted cities of Indonesia to the sunny beaches of Southern California. Now I sat in a new classroom setting, the usual class of eight tripled in size. I was nervous, anxious, and surrounded by faces I had never seen before. In an effort to pursue a more permanent identity, I attempted to hide my past as a missionary's kid from this new world. All I wanted to do was be like everyone else. However, with one simple question, the persona I had created was already beginning to fall apart. Though nobody had a problem with this foreign identity of mine, I resented the fact that I was born into a life where things were constantly changing around me while most my peers hadn't even moved past state lines, let alone beyond the country's borders.
As the year progressed, my classmates asked me more about the countries I had come from. It was in these moments that I realized my life of transition also came with its advantages. The increased interest of my peers helped me to see that my diverse background really set me apart. From being able to relate to my Filipino friends about my old home to speaking in native tongue to my Indonesian peers, I saw that my experiences had actually helped me to meet many new people. I soon forgot the loathing feelings I had towards my life and embraced how each new chapter in my life had developed who I was. My perspective began to change as I set my sights on the benefits of change rather than on its detriments and viewed myself not only as more of an extrovert, but also as a continually maturing individual.
Change brings about discomfort and unhappiness, but in view of the personal discovery and growth it may bring, I now step towards it in confidence. My world is still evolving and full of transition, but each new chapter now carefully molds me into the person I am today.
My perspective began to change as I set my sights on the benefits of change rather than on its detriments and viewed view myself not only as more of...
(began to ----> change... and ... view)
But what about the part about the "person you have become?" You wrote this very well, but I only see a few details about the person you have become ... an extrovert... a continually maturing individual... but what I want to know about is about the specific goals you have for this time in college during which you'll become a professional in your field. That is what it is really all about.
:-)
