Please help me edit this.. add things or change wording. Why am I having so much trouble? lol
thank you so much!
Describe your world and how it has shaped your dreams.
By now, I'm sure you have read thousands of essays about people's amazing trips traveling to South America and people doing the unthinkable. Unfortunately, I haven't had that chance to travel all the way across the world or be a wonder woman yet, but I do come from an amazing family whose teachings have shaped my dreams and aspirations.
The world I come from is not out of the ordinary. I grew up in a small city called Fontana, where my whole father's side of the family lived. My family consisted of my two parents, my brother who is only ten months older than me, Grammy, Papa, and my great grandpa. Although each generation lived in separate houses, we were a very close family. I come from a family of many, but the one I cherished the most was my great grandpa. He had a cruel childhood; emigrating from Italy when he was only sixteen, working everyday on the railroads, and also not getting his high school diploma until he was 73 years old. He didn't have the opportunity to finish his education in his new country because in order for himself to be financially supported, he had to work. My great grandfather taught me one main thing that has certainly shaped my dreams and aspirations: "Knowledge is something that no one can take away from you". I remember sitting on his lap when I was in the second grade and he told me this. Of course, being the little careless girl that I was at the time, I didn't think much of it. After his funeral a few years later, his words impacted me more than ever. Some of my good friends decided that school was "bogus" and they just gave up. As nice as it sounded to stop doing homework, not care about lectures teachers gave during each period, and play all day, I continued to think about my future and what my great grandfather would think. I live each day for him. Listening to words of my cherishable grandfather, I continued to focus on my education with my family helping me along the way. My dreams as a little girl were different to those from now, being younger I would think more unrealistic, but now that I'm growing into an adult, my plans to my future are more on the reality side.
Although I am still young and learning, I wished that I had the chance to say thank you to my great grandfather. He has shaped every aspect of my aspirations and his teachings have pushed me to make smart choices and wise decisions.
By now, I'm sure you have read thousands of essays about people's amazing trips traveling to South America and people doing the unthinkable <--- don't add that, have a more formal introduction.
didn't <--- no contractions
As nice as it sounded to stop doing homework <--- take out "to stop doing homework" and everything else added there that is unnecessary
my plans to my future are more on the reality side. <-- my plans FOR the future are more realistic.
Unfortunately, I haven't yet had that chance to travel all the way across the world or be a Wonder Woman yet, but I do...
I moved "yet." Do you like the rhythm of the sentence tis way?
Wow! He got his diploma at 73?! What an excellent person he must be, such wisdom.
Well, this is beautiful, and your personality as reflected in the essay is beautiful, but part of your job here is to show your skill in composition which needs improvement. Here is the crash course:
For every idea you want to include in the essay, you need a separate paragraph. For every idea, give a topic sentence that states the idea succinctly, and then give a few sentences to explain it.
for example, you might write a topic sentence about the significance and meaningfulness of education, and then write 2 sentences about your grandfather. Then, conclude the para with a thoughtful sentence about what it all means. THEN, start a new paragraph about your friends who decided ed was bogus, and write a few sentences to explain that.
Each paragraph has to be: topic sentences, sentences to explain what you mean, and then a thoughtful conclusion sentence.
Each ESSAY you write should have paragraphs that serve a corresponding purpose: intro para is like topic sentence, body paragraphs are like explanatory sentences, and conclusion para is like the conclusion sentence.
This is easy to fix! use the ENTER button every time your curcor gets to a new idea, and separate them into their own paragraphs. Good luck!!
