Hey guys, I have to have this done by tomorrow, so if you could edit it for content, grammar, etc. I would really appreciate it.
Prompt: What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.) and explain its signifigance to you.
July 3rd, 2010. A World Cup quarterfinal match between Spain and Paraguay changes my life forever. It was explosive: missed penalties from both sides, a dismissed goal, an 83rd minute David Villa strike, ending it 1-0 to Spain. From that day, I was hooked. Like love at first sight, I fell hard for football. In his book Fever Pitch, Nick Hornby captures the feeling exactly: "I fell in love with football as I would later fall in love with [men]: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it." Football is a game fueled by passion: the intense emotion that radiates from the pitch (field). As a result of this, there is no such thing as a silent observer. The game is simple in theory, yet intricate in execution. Every pass is methodical, a small piece of a greater objective: score. When the opportunity does arise - when the ball hits the back of the net - supporters from all corners of the globe leap from their chairs, indifferent to where they'll land. Only knowing that, on their way up, their team had scored. Football is the epitome of drive: a young boy practicing into the wee hours of the night with dreams of becoming the next Didier Drogba, or a faithful supporter traveling the length of his country to watch his team play. I look to emulate this in my daily life, both as a student and a person. It answers many names - footy, soccer, balompié - but I think the Brazilians said it best: Joga Bonito: The Beautiful Game.
Additional Questions:
1. Is the first bold section grammatically correct? Does it correctly end the sentence?
2. Second bolded section: I changed that part of the quote from women to men. Is that okay or should I just keep it the way it originally was?
3. Third Bolded Section: Does it sound better the way it is or "a small piece to a greater objective:"
4. Fourth Bolded Section: Do I need to put a comma after arise? I ask because, if I didn't have the part with the dashes, I would need one.
5. Fifth Bolded Section: Is that sentence a fragment, or is it okay.
6. Sixth Bolded Section: Should I use the word "said" or "say"? Or something else?
7. Does the last sentence seem out of place? Or does it serve as a good concluding sentence?
8. Do I use to many colons? And if so, how would I fix that.
If you have any other edits, feel free to add them! Thanks So Much!
The second bolded sec: I once changed sth like you did and got reprimanded by my teacher because "a quote is a quote. Don't change it".
3rd sec: It sounds better with to.
The last sentence is a little out of place but it is a very good concluding sentence. so maybe you should change the one before this concluding sentence instead.
One more suggestion, maybe put a little more of yourself in the essay?
The essay doesn't really talk about what intrigues you. Personally, it sounds like you're just explaining something that you like, rather than what you find interesting about it.
I think you should say It is explosive rather than it was explosive because it's describing the past event that you mentioned in present tense before.
1. a dismissed goal, then a/an (I'm pretty sure it can go either way for numbers) 83rd minute David Villa strike ended it 1-0 to Spain.
2. why did you change it? I think you should keep it as it originally was
3. "a small piece to a greater objective"
4. no comma, but try instead: When the opportunity does arise as the ball hits the back of the net,
5. it is a fragment and I don't recommend you keep it. Maybe instead you can say: "supporters from all corners of the globe leap from their chairs (no comma here) indifferent to where they'll land (no period here) only knowing that (no comma here) on their way up, their team had scored.
I know it seems like a really long sentence, but the structure of it doesn't require any additional commas. Also, the last comma at the end really drives home a sense of victory haha
6. say
7. it does seem slightly out of place
8. I don't think so but perhaps you can eliminate one of your colons this way:
You have - Football is the epitome of drive: a young boy practicing into the wee hours of the night with dreams of becoming the next Didier Drogba, or a faithful supporter traveling the length of his country to watch his team play. I look to emulate this in my daily life, both as a student and a person. It answers many names - footy, soccer, balompié - but I think the Brazilians said it best: Joga Bonito: The Beautiful Game.
But maybe you can do - Football is the epitome of drive and it answers to many names - footy, soccer, balomipe - but I think the Brazilians say it best. Joga Bonito: The Beautiful Game. In my life as a student and person, I look to emulate this very passion and ________(another nice, descriptive word)
Good luck
I didn't make mine personal either so I'm in a similar boat as you...but if you think about it, they're asking what intrigues us and when you answer with so much detail and emotion (as you clearly did) that makes it personal in itself. This is a really good essay, and I think you should keep it how it is.
