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World of esoteric ideas; Place or environment where you are perfectly content/ Common App



CallMeDoctor 2 / 2  
Sep 24, 2013   #1
Hi guys! I am working on my applications for college. This is the prompt for my essay:
Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

Tell me what you think please, and note if I need to edit/add anything! Thanks :)

The medical field enmeshed me into its world of esoteric ideas. It reinforced my dreams of being able to take care of people. At the coming age of young adulthood, I began volunteering at my local hospital. After spending a full year there, my horizons had been broadened, and my interests became focused on surgery. With my determination to see the walls of an operating room, I sought out people to help me make this happen. With success, I began observing surgeries of different specialties. In general, I watched several hernia repairs consisting of inguinal, ventral and umbilical locations, an exploratory laparotomy, a collectomy, several laproscopic cholecystectomies, and multiple laproscopic appendectomies. I was able to palpitate a newly removed gallbladder in the laproscopic cholestectomy, and felt the gallstones within it. When I observed orthopedic surgery, I saw a total knee replacement and learned about a new navigation system a surgeon can use to assist with measuring prosthesis's, and a minimally invasive lami/disectomy when I shadowed neurology. I observed a left carotid endarterectomy while observing a vascular surgery, and watched as the doctor used ultrasound imaging to locate plaque built up in the artery. I pointed out the vocal cords and identified the epiglottis while an anesthesiologist used a Glide Scope to intubate a patient. While in the operating room, I was treated as an equal of the doctors, nurses, PA-C's medical students, and residents. The doctors would address questions towards me just like they would medical students. They taught me how to read CAT scans, review patient charts and answered all of the questions I had. The operating room was a place that everyone knew my name, and would go out of their way to explain operations to me. They made me know that I was one of them, just slightly younger and in high school. This summer experience helped me transfigure my dreams into goals because off all the support I received from the people I look up to.

Purple /  
Sep 25, 2013   #2
Hi. This is a very good essay however there are a few changes that I would make. Firstly I think the essay needs more clarity in actually stating where the place/environment is that you enjoy being in... Is it a hospital? A surgery? Another medical institution?

Also I think that what you have written is great but I think you need to show why watching these things that you describe mean something to you. For example, 'In general, I watched several hernia repairs consisting of inguinal, ventral and umbilical locations, an exploratory laparotomy, a collectomy, several laproscopic cholecystectomies, and multiple laproscopic appendectomies.' Maybe you could start this sentence with 'My curiosity expanded when I witnessed 'several hernia repairs consisting of inguinal, ventral ...' State why seeing these things had an effect on you. Another change I think you should make is separating your essay into paragraphs. Maybe you could start a new paragraph when talking about how the doctors, nurses etc made you feel.

I did this very quickly but I hope it helps.
haru1996 3 / 4  
Sep 26, 2013   #3
This is a great idea. But i would try to focus on one significant event while you were in those operating rooms. Describe what you saw, how you felt. I feel as though this would make your essay more effective


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