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UC essay: How my world has shaped me, from denial to embrace



sarantsatsr 1 / -  
Nov 23, 2014   #1
Hey guys! I just finished my 1st draft for UC. However, I feel like this draft is not really focused, and it's not really concise either. So any suggestions will be appreciated. :)

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Do you guys ride horses to school everyday? "
"Ohhhh, then there must be all stables in front of the walls instead of parking lots! "
"Why don't you eat pork? Is that because pigs are your God? "
And there I was, standing there and watching them giggle, speechless and powerless.

In a society with an absolute dominate culture like China, being a minority means that you need to accept these kind of questions and misunderstandings and judgements as part of your daily life. And the pressure only doubles, if you happened to be a Mongolian, a Chinese and a Muslim at the same time.

When I firstly move from Ulaan-Baatar to Beijing, China, I always eagerly argue with everyone who throws dumb questions at me and defend every parts of my identity. But soon enough, with the cultural and language barriers blocked like the insurmountable Great Wall, it came to a point that I stopped fighting, and simply conformed with the majority. I refused to speak Mongolian at home with my mom; I stopped going to mosque every weekend with my dad; I adapted so well that I became just like everyone else around me.

The summer before my freshman year, my mom took me back to Mongolia for the first time since we left. Stepping out of the city, living on the rolling wilderness with yurts scattered around and flocks raging over, I suddenly realized there are other ways of being, other ways of thinking, other ways of orienting myself. Like the boundless prairie, pressures imposed by the majority shouldn't restrict who I am, and it sure shouldn't limit who I want to be. Just like Uncle Batbayaar told me on fences, we are nomads, we live a peaceful life, but yet, we crave for adventures.

Back from the prairie, I applied and successfully transferred to an international school. Here, I got to share ideas with teachers and classmates from extremely diverse backgrounds. I got to see a bigger world which strides over the Great Wall and exceeds the prairie. I got to accept every pieces that make me more of my self, and find out where I truly belong.

Thanks to my supportive parents, I had the power to make my own decisions and pursue what I wish for myself. But not everyone in a similar situation is as privileged as me. During the volunteer trip I organized two years ago, we helped to run a charity school in Shangri-La, a region with the largest minorities population in China for the summer. Engaging with the Tibetan, the Uyghur, and all the other minority kids at the school, I can see my old self, struggling in denial of my distinct identities for the society's acceptance. When I bring up an funding program idea for minorities to our sponsor, she explicitly stated that she'll only fund the Han Chinese kids. According to her, "sponsoring minority kids is just a waste of money. They'll return to their villages and not gonna contribute to our society anyway."

Her words really struck me. They reminded me of the misunderstandings and judgements I encountered, the speechless and powerless moments I experienced when I was a child. At that moment, I was more determined than ever, that I'll do everything I can to make this world a little bit more open-minded and tolerant. For me, for the minority kids, and for all sorts of underprivileged individuals sitting against the conforming power. From the world I came from, I found my distinct confident voice that enables me to fight for myself. And I, with my whole heart, hope that for the others, too.

vangiespen - / 4077  
Nov 23, 2014   #2
Lei, right now this essay sounds more like a "central identity" paper than a "world shaped my traits essay". The reason I say that is because you mostly discuss how you found yourself and the niche to belong to in the two worlds that you live in rather than how belonging to these two worlds that are in conflict within you helped to shape your dreams and ambitions in life. I suggest that you revise the essay to better reflect the dreams and ambitions that have been shaped by your experience living in two worlds. If you feel like the two worlds theme does not work for you, then discuss how your parents have helped you shape your dreams and ambitions. You did mention that they were quite supportive and they allowed you to make your own decisions. So that world, the world that you come from where your parents are there to guide you in a less constricted way makes the essay more interesting and aligned with the prompt requirements.

The essay states "the world that you belong to". Don't take that to literally mean the country or town that you live in. The "world that you belong to" can be the world that you live in with your parents, your world in school with your classmates and teachers, even the world that you share with your friends. Think outside the box. Don't limit yourself to just discussing the world as it pertains to where you live. This kind of essay requires out of the box answers. So by discussing a different world, the private one that you live in with your parents, peers, teachers, or classmates, you will be able to accurately represent the world that you live in and how it has shaped your dreams and ambitions in life. I have to reiterate this because there is nothing in the current essay form that shows any dreams and ambitions that were shaped by the events that you depicted. You described the development of your central identity to a certain degree instead.


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