These three essays are short answers to the online application of WPI. Please help me edit my essay and tell me whether they answer the question appropriately. Thanks in advance!
The first one:
Briefly explain how you became interested in your proposed field of study.
In China, most high school students choose their majors according to their parents' suggestions. However, I have set up my goal to study economics since my secondary school. To a great extent, it is my family that sharpens my determination.
As an accountant, my mom often worked on various tables at home. Since then, those account bills and statements had become the research objects in my childhood. Although I knew little about the patterns and signs, pages of numerous figures and precise lines taught me a sense of beauty. Due to my curiosity, I began to pay attention to my parents' talk. Though such words as market and finance were still strange to me, the unknown field had aroused my intense interest. Therefore, I made up my mind to become a person as successful as my mom. Perhaps in view of the traditional concept that the son should hand down his father's enterprise, or my born talent in this field, my mom encouraged me with more expectation. Meanwhile, I am struggling steadily for my dream now.
Knowing that mathematics is the base of economics, I chose to participate in mathematics groups from elementary school to high school, which enabled my mathematical results to come out top in the class. In order to discuss the current economic situation and financial policies with my parents and understand the economic terms, I engaged myself in related books in the library. The further I studied on economics, the more suitable I found it for me. That is exactly why I want to learn more advanced economic knowledge in WPI. With the help of professional knowledge and practical experience gained there, I will realize my dream and make contributions to the development of Chinese economy.
The Third one:
Briefly describe any project or independent study activities in which you have been involved.
Seeing the data gained right now and the samples of sewage, we tidied up the laboratory and then locked the door. It had been the sixth day that we spent successively in making experiments, keeping records, correcting mistakes and resuming...unstoppably, we oxygenated those samples with potassium permanganate, but created extra sludge. What is worse, activated carbon adsorption lagged in response towards heavy metal. Results refuted, we began to seek hard for a more convenient and efficient method to process various samples. Not until had we found out the exciting data with the ion-exchange fiber from our teacher did we relaxed ourselves. Exhausted as we were, we could not help congratulating each other.
That happened when I participated in the experimental activity of urban drinking supplies. Hei River is the mother river of Xi'an. However, the water was not clear any more because of the upriver industrial sewage and landslide. The government had tried to abate the pollutions but in vain, so those students from the college that my father worked in planned to carry out the experimental activity, in the hope that they would draw the public attention to drinking water. Anxious at first, I was unconfident in myself to engage in such a professional practice. Nevertheless, loving challenges, I became the only high school student in the group rather than gave up.
I took charge of literature search and field survey. In order to complete my tasks outstandingly, I had consulted a lot of materials and websites, figured out the main paths of pollutions, and recorded the diverse information as well as the wastewater treatment methods revealed in different materials. In addition, I with other companions conducted field survey and took samples along Hei River on weekends. Getting prepared, we spent the following six days in the laboratory where I did my best to help them with the experiments. Short as the time was, I have learned much from those experiences that I had never taken part in before. Thanks to that activity, I understand the importance of team work, how to care and help, and more importantly, the significance of detail and concentration.
Good afternoon :)
Here are my thoughts in regards to the first essay. "However, I have set up my goal to study economics since my secondary school." This sentence should be removed because as it is now it is not relevant to the piece and you don't provide any follow through. Link this better to the rest of your essay or remove it.
I think this piece is a good answer to the prompt. You describe how your childhood shaped your dreams, and why you are interested in economics.
In regards to the second piece, please see the comments I have already made on it.
In regards to the third essay, make sure you are using adequate linking and transition words. For instance, "That happened when I participated in the experimental activity of urban drinking supplies" should be "That is what happened when I participated in the experimental activity of urban drinking supplies. "
You do a good job of answering the prompt with details about the project and how it changed you as a person.
Regards,
Gloria
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