Hello, I am applying to FIT as a transfer.
The essay question was:
What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? We'd like you to tell us in an essay.This is your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments.
Please help out! Thanks!
Write Your Heart Out
"Write your heart out." That was the message I perceived from my English teacher of four years in high school, Kimberly Thorsen, three years ago. That was my final cue to decide what I have been living for, to decide what I want do for the rest of my life. I've never considered a career in writing much until the beginning of high school. I used to think that those A's in my papers were just coincident but as I looked back on the process of some of my work, I think of how enthusiastic I was when composing each piece and how hard I tried to make each paper perfect. Maybe I was destined to write my heart out after all.
The first cue that brought me to an interested in fashion journalism was when I first saw the movie "13 Going on 30" almost seven years ago. Before that, I loved reading magazines but haven't thought much about the way a magazine was brought together. "13 Going on 30" certainly brought a small insight of what goes on in a publishing office. I bought my first magazine issue in February 2002, with Mandy Moore on the cover or CosmoGirl! magazine. I knew I was not age-appropriate for the magazine at the time, but I was curious to read about Mandy Moore as she was my favorite pop singer at the time. Little did I know, that curiosity turned to a high interest in fashion, magazines and knowledge of what I should be prepared for later in life. I started urging my mother to subscribe me to magazines such as Teen People, Seventeen and CosmoGirl! and I remember how thrilled I was to check my mailbox to see if a new magazine issue came, but excitement doesn't end there: once I brought the magazines back to my apartment, I would spend hours studying each circulation diligently.
Those who know me know I used to spend hours at the library in the magazine section, sitting in the corner with piles of new magazines, whether it's Entertainment Weekly or Cosmopolitan. At times, I'd even borrow the magazines if I couldn't finish them. Even at a tender age, I started checking out magazines that were too 'advanced' for my age, such as Jane, W, Vanity Fair and The New Yorker. Whenever my mother and I went to the supermarket, I would directly go to the magazine section and stay for the entire trip while my mother did the grocery shopping and I never left the market without buying at least one issue. The fashion magazines have always been an inspiration. As I look back on when I first started picking out my own clothes, I realize it was after I started reading fashion and beauty magazines; I was always inspired by the clothing, jewelry and shoes that magazines that picked out. I want to be able to help inspire young girls and young women find their inner fashionista and be comfortable in what they wear.
My aunt was once a student at FIT and she still speaks highly about the school that got her a wonderful job, to this day. Ever since I heard 'fashion' in Fashion Institute of Technology, I've only dreamed of being in FIT with a life-changing education and a bright future. FIT is the root of many notable fashion designers', fashion directors', and magazine editors' careers and I hope one day, I will be able to be on that list. I'm currently studying journalism but I don't think I can experience what it really is like in the fashion magazine industry without FIT on my side. With FIT's help, I believe I can land internships I would never find elsewhere and take me to places I can never be able to go solely. Easy or hard, I never have taken anything for granted and I am and will always be enthusiastic about every task, delivering contentment in everything I do. I have overcame the worst I've ever been through in life and I can foresee myself making it through more obstacles. Because I have a creative mind, I believe I can contribute to wherever place I go and because I know what people go for, it is easy for me to predict what they get. Even though it has been three years since Ms.Thorsen said those inspirational words, I have wrote my heart out for each and every paper I have written and I'm only going to get better.
hey, I really like the sentiment you try to convey through the essay :) apart from some little grammatical istakes , i think the rest is all fine.
here are some things I thought sounded a little awkward, so you could re-consider them.
Just some suggestions:
In the 1st para, "Write your heart out." That was the message I perceived from my English teacher of four years in high school, Kimberly Thorsen, three years ago. is confusing. Instead of 'perceived', (which is usually connected with 'observing' or 'taking in'), you could write 'received', which sounds more appropriate.
my English teacher of four years in high school, Kimberly Thorsen, three years ago
Too many 'years' involved, lol!
No seriously, this is the part that sounds awkward. Instead, you could simply say "from my High School English Teacher,Kimberly Thorsen, three years ago"
And in the 3rd para, "Those who know me know I used to spend hours"
insert a comma somewhere or consider re-phrasing, maybe like - "Those who know me well, would know how used to spend hours" or something similar
good luck!
I was always inspired by the clothing, jewelry and shoes that magazines that picked out.
->too many 'that's .. plus, the sentence is gramatically incorrect, so it's confusing.
what is the subject word for the magazines that were picked out?
With FIT's help, I believe I can land internships I would never find elsewhere and take me to places I can never be able to go solely
'solely' sounds akward.. alone is better
Finally, your last sentence is good, it gives me a good last impression on the essay.
However, your third and fourth paragraph do not seem to be connected, or do not 'flow' well: they look as if they are separate pieces, compared to the connection made between the first and the second paragraphs.
Because the paragraphs are not relatively well connected, the essay as a whole looks as if it is heading towards multiple directions, and your point is less clear.
This is often not a problem that can be fixed after an essay is written because it's a matter of organization, so I personally recommend you to keep being aware of this as you write.
I have only managed to read your first paragraph so far (I will come back to the rest later) and I don't think anyone has picked up on the following grammatical error:
"I've never considered a career in writing much until the beginning of high school."
You should start with "I" and omitting the "much" gives it a better sound to it as well. Keep in mind that this is just my personal opinion. This is how I would put it:
"I never considered a career in writing until the beginning of high school."
Hi guys-
So sorry for the late reply.
I changed this part-
I was always inspired by the clothing, jewelry and shoes picked out by magazines. I want to be able to help inspire young girls and young women find their inner fashionista and be comfortable in what they wear.
and the parts you guys suggested.
However, I'm still stuck with the 'connection' btwn 3rd and 4th paragraph. I don't know how to do it without going the limit of 750 words. Please help! thank you for all your help so far!
Here is a nice way to transition into your conclusion:
My aunt was once a student at FIT and she still speaks highly about the school that got her a wonderful job, to this day. Ever since I heard 'fashion' in Fashion Institute of Technology, I've only dreamed of being in FIT with a life-changing education and a bright future. FIT is the root of many notable fashion designers', fashion directors', and magazine editors' careers and I hope one day, I will be able to be on that list.
It is not impressive to talk about your aunt. That may be an ACTUAL reason you decided to apply, but in this essay you should include only the most impressive stuff. This sentence about being on the list is interesting and well-written! So... begin the conclusion there. :-)
