pls criticize on this essay i wrote. Im not very happy with this and would luv any opinions, thanks
i found it difficult to write anything with me as the subject, so i used a bird instead.
A Bird's tale
The time had come for me to move out from my mother's nest and start out on my own. To my little inexperienced eyes, I found outside a vast strange place where I might get lost if I wandered too far from familiar territory. But I was still eager and determined to make the best out of my new found freedom.
I went all out to befriend other birds and learn new things. I enjoyed gathering sweet ripe berries and playing in water. I also taught myself to make a firm, safe nest within the terrain which would not break down during bad weather. Fortunately, the weather was constantly calm and predators were rarely seen from where I nest. I was content with my life. But just as I thought everything was going great, the day came when a predator came upon me in my nest. Sure, I had made certain I stayed within territory and made my nest safe from bad weather, but in the end, that had not been enough to keep me entirely safe from other threats. Luckily I survived the attack with only scratches on my body, but it did not match the great scar the incident had left within me. I was shocked; my conscience could not accept the fact. And on top of that, other birds pitied me, putting salt on my already wounded pride.
While my body was slowly healing, I had plenty of time to think back and fully understand what had happened. Believing that I would be safe just because I stayed close to home and that it would keep me away from dangers had been foolish thinking on my part. The latter episode had obviously hurt my self confidence, but not to the point that I wanted to give up. Looking over the horizon, I finally decided that instead of just mourning and licking my wounds, I had to go on because that was what life was about.
I realized that the incidence had left me with new found strength and faith in myself which had lacked when I first stepped out from my mother's nest and I was not about to just let it be. I was much more ready now, to soar high up into the air, facing obstacles head-on as they come.
I like the essay and the idea behind it but I think you could show even more good qualities about yourself and I feel like some parts of it could flow better.
How weird, I like it.
The only mistakes I see are in this sentence:
I realized that the incident had left me with newfound strength and faith in myself, which I had lacked when I first stepped out from my mother's nest and I was not about to just let it be.
How about cutting off that first para and starting mysteriously with this:
I went all out to befriend other birds and learn new things. I enjoyed gathering...
Now, this is all a big metaphor (I think it is.. unless you are really a bird, in which case, I apologize), so you need to do something at the end to send your message clearly. So far, all I get from this is that you had a bad wake up call after trying to use your freedom before getting sufficiently prepared.
But what is your message? What is the real meaning that you are trying to convey? Some words need to be taken out to make room for more development of the message. I think you have not finished saying what you want to say to the admissions person who reads this.
:-)
sorry for late reply.
anyway thank u both for the comments
i'll try as u have said, :)
i have written another one, on why i choose the the subject, its a bit different than the above one.. pls let me know what u think on it too, after that i guess i will decide on which one to apply
I had first found an interest in psychology when one of my closest friends was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder in early 2008. Her family already has a history of such cases, so although the news was depressing, it was not at all surprising for me.
The decision to actually pursue a career in psychology was made sometime later after I realized that the psychological issues were not just common in her family only, but they were also one of the major underlying factors for many of the recent trends in my society. It has made me look closely into what is actually going on under the facade of all the victims of substance and sexual abuse, domestic violence and knife crime, changing how I felt about those people before. However, since not many of the people are still aware of the main cause and due to the shortage of psychologists and psychiatrists working here at the moment, demand for them is very much high and most of the time they are unable to provide optimum services to all the people who needs it. So for me, selecting this area as a career path will not only fulfill my need to help my friend live a normal 'balanced' life, but it will also allow me to assist in helping those people who are going through the same situation as my friend and her family.
Choosing this as my career has helped me define who I really am and what I want to gain in life; to learn all I can and share with others my beliefs and personal experiences. To learn from others who live in societies different from mine; their own experiences, values and perceptions because I believe that sharing knowledge increases awareness which is very vital in this path of career. It also plays an important role in creating awareness within oneself.
I do realize that my dreams aim high, yet I have always and am still willing to try, to fight for those aims and for what I want to achieve in life. Because this is my passion. This is my life.
I definitely like this one a lot more! It is elegant, serious, inspiring, and very thoughtful. It shows real reflection and knowledge of psychology, the field you choose.
I think it is better than the bird metaphor, because the bird metaphor is not fully developed... not really clear.
