i wrote a Carnegie Mellon undergrad admit Essay...Chemical Engineer.

The very appellation "Carnegie Mellon University" piqued my curiosity about the institution. It always casted me into another world, a world pervaded by wealth of research information. It was this wealth of information that induced me while providing the stimulus to dream of becoming a Tartan, a proud Carnegie Mellon Tartan. I had been captivated with the logic of how things work since my childhood. As I grew older, math and science began shaping the ideas behind that logic. Solving problems became as interesting as watching Sunday night football. X & Y's played games of hide and seek everytime. During the process, my quest to gain knowledge after high school became significantly important. The mere idea of how everything as we see it is compromised of atoms, the existence of mercury in a liquid state in-spite of its classification as a metal was enthralling. Every aspect of our life was influenced by that of chemistry's. From the air we breathe to the salt we use in our food all connects with chemistry. It was a rather bizarre fascination but it was my fascination. Hence I decided to pursue a career in chemical engineering. I believe that the Carnegie Institute of Technology would provide me with the vital knowledge and skills needed in the field of engineering. Through my research, I have learned that Carnegie Mellon's research projects provide opportunities to students that are a par above the rest. It is because of the incentives that Carnegie Mellon provides its students with is what sets CMU's standards apart from other institutions. Some examples of such incentives are a learning environment which offers the acquisition of knowledge under notable professors and laureates while providing the necessary cutting edge technology to improve ones ability to learn. Such opportunities will not only aid me to develop my talents but also help me in gaining a hands-on experience in my prospective field. In my view, the opportunities provided by CMU will not only play a major role in the making of my success but will also be a vital deciding factor of my life. The opportunities will help me be better prepared for achieving my goal of securing a spot in the Masters degree program. These opportunities will vividly display the spectrum of talents I have while demonstrating my love for the subject. It is why I am specifically interested in attending the Carnegie Institute of Technology among the many distinguished schools and programs CMU has to offer. I respond to the logic of the whys and where-foes of my choice by stating that chemical engineering is a vast field in which there are more opportunities than drops of water in a pond. By exploring these opportunities, I would not only better understand the person I aspire to be but it will also open windows to worlds which provide equal, if not better understanding of the path to success.

The major factor which inclined me towards considering attending CMU was that it has a 30% overall acceptance rate which is equal to that of the Engineering program. This attested for CMU's rigor and dedication towards helping students excel in the field of engineering. Another aspect was the surfeit of internships programs available to prospective students since a hands on experience is necessary in the field.

Carnegie Mellon University's world renowned caliber and academic standing are direct results of the virtuosity it offers. Along with numerous research opportunities CMU provides, Carnegie Mellon is an ideal choice for me because it passively aids me in becoming a better candidate not only in engineering field but also in the real world.

The past tense of "to cast" is "cast," and not "casted." See: chompchomp.com/rules/irregularrules01.htm

Now, you could improve this by making each paragraph about some distinct idea. I see lots of ideas, which I'll separate from one another below:

The very appellation "Carnegie Mellon University" piqued my curiosity about the institution. It always cast me into another world, a world pervaded by wealth of research information. It was this wealth of information that induced in me a desire to become a proud Carnegie Mellon Tartan.

Now, rearange the ideas above and put them in solid paragraphs, each with a strong topic sentence -- so that you and the reader both know exactly what you are going to talk about with each paragraph...

hey thanks Kevin...i had a rough draft before this which was ugly..i tried improving the paragraphs to the best of my ability and removed all the unnecessary junk from the essay.

i pretty much submitted what i said above but with more concrete ideas because of a word limit.
Does the paragraph "I believe blah blah bblah" answer the required question of why i have chosen this major and what i hope to achieve from it..i though it did to an extent but then again i did not want to further elaborate on the same subject by praising the university and what it can to help me become that person because they already know what they are and they'd rather know honestly about my thoughts...Is that okay?