Any criticism would be very helpful.
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I chose to become a civil engineer because of my local environment club, MEVO, which stands for Mahwah Environmental Volunteer Organization. Although I've only joined it for a few months, I gained not only a newfound love for the environment, but also leadership skills, being efficient in using power, and recognizing and using sustainable resources. I decided that I wanted to keep contributing to the well- being of the environment by engineering efficient resources and sustainable products. Having strong skills in math and science, I steered onto the path of a civil engineer. With Carnegie Mellon's distinctive Civil and Environmental Engineering program and immediate exposure to engineering from day one, it will provide challenges that will help me become a successful civil engineer. Even though I would like to pursue a major in civil engineering, I would like to see what other programs Carnegie Mellon's Institute of Technology can offer. What Carnegie Mellon's College of Engineering offers that no other college does is a flexible curriculum. As a result, I can attempt other aspects of engineering such as industrial engineering to broaden my perspectives. With Carnegie Mellon's research programs, I can learn more efficient ways of helping the environment out. With three major departments, each one is a crucial step in helping me becoming a successful civil engineer. The Environmental Engineering, Sustainability, and Science Research Department will help me tackle on the sustainability challenges of the 21st century. Also, the CEE's Cooperative Education Program can give me real hands on experience in the work environment and will test how I will apply what I learned into the real world. Studying abroad in different countries would expose me to different environmental problems and challenges. What I can learn from one environmental crisis in one place can help me resolve another crisis somewhere else. Besides intense focusing on majors, Carnegie Mellon's 250 student organizations and 15 athletics will let me continue the activities I loved throughout high school, such as continuing my love for marching through the distinct kiltie band or continue my running career through varsity track and field. With enticing CMU traditions such as the three day spring carnival and the buggy race, I will have the right amount of fun and work right at Carnegie Mellon University. Saving the world is a lofty ambition. However, Carnegie Mellon will give me the skills and experience that will help me make an impact on the environment. I will be more than ready to tackle on the challenges Carnegie Mellon offers and come out of it a motivated civil engineer who's prepared to tackle on the real world.
its good...you have shown that you have researched all the things going around at the campus of carnegie mellon....
But you have just mentioned the MEVO and your interest in science and math for chosing civil engg.
Any one chosing engg as a career would posses these attributes, so what distinguishes you from the pool of other applicants....Mention some strong points regarding this
"Even though I would like to pursue a major in civil engineering, I would like to see what other programs Carnegie Mellon's Institute of Technology can offer. " this makes it sound like you don't know what the school offers, even though the rest of the essay shows you clearly do
Also another mistake is that your entire essay is one paragraph, it's just one long stream of conscience. This makes it hard to read. Even though colleges usually tell you not to follow the five paragraph high school English structure, this essay has no structure at all. It seems like you have good ideas and know what you want to do in life (which CMU likes), but separate your goals into paragraphs. For instance, civil engineering in one, extracurriculars in another, and so on.
I'm also writing this essay, so good luck.
