Please have some comments on grammar, words choice...
Thank a lot for your help
What influences your desire to attend XYZ?
Till now, I can clearly remember the day I first knew about XYZ. While surfing the web, I intentionally read a piece of writing about XYZ of ABC, a XYZ student. At first, I thought she was boasting because what she said is amazingly met my perception about a perfect college. But to my surprise, the perfection of XYZ was solidly substantiated by the information I found after that. Many websites, many people, they all stated the same things as what the woman had mentioned.
To me, one of the best things about the college is its Honor Code. From the very first time I read about XYZ, I was immediately attracted by its commitment to offer the students their own charge of their own education. It will be wonderful to study in a college where the students are treated like mature and responsible persons. The Honor Code also builds the trust and cooperation between students and faculty, a very important factor in an academic environment. With the Honor Code, XYZ does a great job in offering students valuable opportunities to self-develop.
XYZ small size, first seemed to be its disadvantage, finally turns out to be its advantage which offers the students more personal attention from their professors. Just the simple fact that professors know their students by name can tell me how friendly and conscientious they are. “I never felt short of attention from professors!”, a XYZ student said. I strongly hold the notion that the more individualized attention the professors give me, the more successful I will be in the future, both academically and socially.
As I reflect back on my life, I can see that my intellectual ability will be challenged to grow in the research-style study as well as the CISLA internationalized internship in XYZ. In later years, this study style, together with the help of conscientious professors and good facilities at XYZ, will provide me the latest of advancement in my fields, and guide me to become a responsible citizen in a global society.
I am now so perplexed at my inability to explain in depth to others how greatly I want to attend to XYZ for the sake of a concise essay. But to me, the reason is so obvious, and it lies inside of my heart, my dream - a dream to be challenged in the United State advanced education system in which XYZ is the one that I find the unique blend of academic life and social life, the distinctive feature that excellently support my educational pursuit. I believe that being at XYZ will offer me a stage upon which I can step concretely towards a bright future where I am a successful person not only in my profession but also in my social life.
I can clearly remember the day I first learned about XYZ. While surfing the web, I intentionally read a piece of writing about XYZ of ABC, a XYZ student. At first, I thought she was boasting because what she said sounded indicative of a school that that fit my conception of a perfect college.
What did she say??
From the very first time I read about XYZ, I was immediately attracted by its commitment to offer the students responsibility for their own education. It will be wonderful to study in a college where the students are treated like mature and responsible people .
XYZ's small size at first seemed like a disadvantage, but actually it turns out to be an advantage which offers the students more personal attention from their professors.
I am perplexed at my inability to explain in depth how important it is to me to be able to attend to XYZ in a concise essay.
Well done! They will want you as a student. Great sincerity and enthusiasm.
Overall, fairly well-written. A handful of minor points:
". . . she said is amazingly met my perception about a perfect college" Revise to something like ". . . she said perfectly reflected my view of an ideal college," or some such.
". . . the same things as what the woman had mentioned." Delete the "as what"
" . . . the students their own charge of their own education." Delete the first instance of the words "their own"
"The Honor Code also builds the trust and cooperation between students and faculty" Just "builds trust . . ." will do. No need for the "the"
"As I reflect back on my life, I can see that my intellectual ability will be challenged to grow in the research-style study as well as the CISLA internationalized internship in XYZ." Reflecting back helps you see what's ahead of you? The idea might work if it were better developed, but as it stands it just seems contradictory.
"will provide me the latest of advancement in my fields" This doesn't work. Try something more along the lines of "will provide me the opportunity to work on the cutting edge of my field."
"I am now so perplexed at my inability to explain in depth to others how greatly I want to attend to XYZ for the sake of a concise essay." Eliminate this sentence. You have just shown that you can explain yourself quite readily in a concise essay.
". . . but also in my social life." Um, this seems like a bit of a non sequitur. It doesn't really connect to anything that has come before.
