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Yale: Catholic Church


jamie2010 2 / 12  
Dec 30, 2009   #1
Help? Please share any of your constructive criticism. Tear it upppp :) Thank you in advance. Word count: 530 I need to cut down 30.

You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, the Short Answer, and the Personal Essay. While we leave the topic of your second essay entirely up to you, try telling us something about yourself that you believe we cannot learn elsewhere in your application. Please limit yourself to fewer than 500 words.

"Please stand and profess your faith." Simultaneously, everyone stood and began reciting the Nicene Creed. "We believe in one holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church..." After I proclaimed that, it hit me. Was there sincerity in the words that I was declaring?

I was born and raised into a faithful Catholic family, never questioning any beliefs and teachings of "my" religion as I grew up. I attended catechism as a child and confirmed my Catholic faith when I was fifteen. After confirming my faith, I thought that was the end of my journey in finding my own religion, but little did I know that it was barely the beginning.

I've always held a close bond with my parents, but despite how supportive they've been throughout my whole life, I didn't know how open-minded they would be with my doubts about the Catholic Church. I was afraid to voice my opinions because I feared that they were going to think that I was just falling on the wrong "path." At first, I thought that maybe I shouldn't pay attention to the questions that arose in my mind because it would seem that I doubted God. However, my feelings in opposition to my Catholic faith grew stronger and I felt something very different in my heart.

In my journey away from the Catholic Church, I was able to stand on my own, without the help of my Catholic community. I eventually realized that the Catholic religion became a norm for me. I was neither happy nor depressed about it, but I was comfortable. Being Catholic was what was convenient for me and being at ease was what became important. The people that I always had behind me were no longer there and I had to cope with my problems on my own.

This has shaped my dreams and aspirations because I no longer settle for something that I am comfortable with. Throughout the past two years, I have watched myself grow more independent and mature. I've realized that it is okay to challenge the ideas around me and that I should continually do that. More importantly, I've realized that being different is good. During this process, I was able to rationally break away from my family to form my own ideas while respecting theirs. Although at times I was discouraged by the different situations going on around me, I was able to keep going and trust, acknowledge, and follow God and his goodness.

It is a growing spiritual journey and I am still learning. This challenge that I had to face alone has not only helped me become a stronger person, but has also forced me not to look for the easy way out. With this said, although I am undecided about which major I want to take in the Math/Science department, I am not discouraged by how challenging those classes are going to be. I've become more independent and no longer need hand holding. I was able to find my footing on my own, and will surely be able to do that in the near future. I will go after my hearts desires, even if they don't reflect that of everyone else.

tommyj 5 / 7  
Dec 30, 2009   #2
Very good, it zeroes in at the prompt and answers it descriptively. The technique of analogy is used well.

One small thing I found was your use of contractions. It is a college essay, therefore formal, so one must be mindful of casual language. However, I may be mistaken. So, maybe check with the college you're applying to and see what their say is on that if you have time. Otherwise, it is an effective piece of writing.

The other thing, too, is the reference to religion. I wrote an essay within that realm and one of my commentors said that you might want to proceed with that with a lot of caution because colleges want to know if you are comfortable in a secular environment.

I hope you can look over and comment on my essay.

Thanks in advance, truly appreciate it.

Cheers,
tommy-j
ericpark 2 / 9  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
This has shaped my dreams and aspirations because I no longer settle for something that I am comfortable with. Throughout the past two years, I have watched myself grow more independent and mature. I've realized that it is okay to challenge the ideas around me and that I should continually do that

I think it would be awesome if you could state an example. I think religion essay can be a bit risky but your format is good! Lol... maybe its because I like imagery and metaphor but a bit more of that might help. I understand that cutting it down might be a larger concern.

Prob can delete:
and I felt something very different in my heart. = assumed that you felt a switch

I actually think the second and third paragraph can be combined. I think finding the purpose of each paragraph would be a great thing to outline. I think both the second and third speak of your "Catholicism" and the switch. You could porbably skim some words.

I hope I helped. Lol but I'm just the guy with the strange U of Chicago essaay
OP jamie2010 2 / 12  
Dec 30, 2009   #4
Thanks! I'll continue editing it.
ebby2010 10 / 51  
Dec 30, 2009   #5
However, my feelings in opposition to my Catholic faith grew stronger and I felt something very different in my heart. <-- what did you feel that was "very different"?

With this said, although I am undecided about which major I want to take in the Math/Science department, I am not discouraged by how challenging those classes are going to be. <-- I don't think this sentence is necessary.

I think this is a well-written essay. Just try to be a little mroe specific about how you developed different feelings than the Catholic Church.

hope this helps! :)
autogunny 3 / 72  
Dec 30, 2009   #6
"path.

dont quote.

I felt something very different in my heart.

I felt I was betraying my religion.

I was able to stand on my own, without the help of my Catholic community. I eventually realized that the Catholic religion became a norm for me. I was neither happy nor depressed about it, but I was comfortable.

sentence variety

[b]Cool essay, its about religion which is unique.

can you take a look at my nyu supplements, its down below:
OP jamie2010 2 / 12  
Dec 31, 2009   #7
UPDATE! Please take a look at what I've changed. 542/500 I need to cut down? Help? It is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

My mouth began to water as I pictured myself devouring my mom's Filipino version of spaghetti drizzled with golden cheese all over. As I grabbed the shiny silver fork and guided it slowly to my watering mouth, my mom unexpectedly grabbed my arm with force, and took the yellow pencil from my hand. After receiving a smack on the back of my head, I realized that my mind must've drifted. Yet again, I forgot I was at church.

Before my mom could scold me, our conversation was interrupted by Father Francis. "Please stand and profess your faith." Simultaneously, everyone stood up from the pews and began reciting the Nicene Creed. "We believe in one holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church..." After I proclaimed that statement, a large wave crashed into my heart.

Was there sincerity behind words I was declaring?

I was born and raised into a faithful Catholic family, never questioning any beliefs and teachings of "my" religion as I grew up. Despite how supportive my parents have been throughout my whole life, I didn't know how open-minded they would be with my doubts about my Catholic faith. At first, I didn't want to doubt God and so I turned my cheek the other way because I feared that I was going on the opposite path that He has set out for me. However, my feelings in contradiction to my Catholic faith grew stronger and I felt I was betraying my religion.

In my journey away from the Catholic Church, I was able to stand on my own, without the help of my Catholic community. I realized that the Catholic religion became a norm for me. I was comfortable and that was all that mattered. Being Catholic was what was convenient for me and being at ease was what became important. The people that I always had behind me were no longer there and I had to cope with my problems on my own.

This has shaped my dreams and aspirations because I no longer settle for something that I am comfortable with. Throughout the past two years, I have watched myself grow more independent and mature. I've realized that judgment won't be placed upon me if I were to challenge the ideas in my surrounding. More importantly, I've realized that being different is good. During this process, I was able to rationally break away from my family to form my own ideas while respecting theirs. Although at times I was discouraged by the different situations going on around me, I was still able to do it on my own.

It is a growing spiritual journey and I am still learning. This curve ball that life unexpectedly threw my way not only helped me become a stronger person, but has also forced me not to look for the easy way out. I've become more independent and no longer need hand holding. I am not discouraged by how challenging college life is going to be but rather encouraged to take everything in as they come. I was able to find my footing on my own, and will surely be able to do that in the near future. I will go after my hearts desires, even if they don't reflect that of everyone else.


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