Hey guys! Here's my WHY YALE essay. It is kinda weak due to character limit but it would be great if you could let me know if there's anything I can do to make it better. Thanks so much! :)
What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? Please limit your response to the space provided. (500 characters)
In the Yale community it is not odd to have two opposite passions or juggle everything at the same time. This summer when I held a research internship in a laboratory in the Immunology Department, the Yale students I met could not pinpoint one favorite course because they loved their schedules. As a Yalie, I would be able to balance my pursuit of medicine with a broad liberal arts background. Yale will equip me with the education I need while still allowing me to embrace my individuality.
Since there is a limit, it's hard to even make many changes to it. I just think the sentence: "The former I have, and the latter I have done in high school." is a bit akward, but wait for other responses to make accurate changes. other than that I think you did answer the question well and with enough details.
I find that there's a bit of a focus progression that just isn't tied together well... I think that the fundamental disconnect occurs in your second sentence? I read over that about 5 times. Personally, I don't quite like it.
from this essay I got that you...
want a diverse school body
worked at the yale immunology dept
want a student body that shares your niche
frankly with these three points you must use your words wisely. Eliminate/reword that sentence and you have 13 words of leeway to make your blup more cohesive.
Thanks! Yeah I kind of knew it was a bit weak but I will definitely work on making it more cohesive :)
I believe it is best if you chose one of the three topics mentioned and write your essay about it so if you chose for example a student body that shares your niche, you could just elaborate on what is your career of interst and what the university and student body offer for it.
your approach is very good, but emphasize more on what in "particular" influenced you there.
Edited Draft! Please let me know what you think now:
Wow! The revision was fantastic! You clarified your prior response...I like the revision a lot...I personally like how you added "broad liberal arts background".
Oh yayyy! That makes me really happy haha