Reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application. Could include personal interests. 500 word limit
Excitedly crouched at the starting line, my heart in my stomach and anticipation in the air. Seconds ticked on by when the leader finally called out.
"Ok let's go!"
We kicked our boards and zoomed down the lane. Or should I say that they sped off. I was lagging behind, shocked at how far they've gotten with one push. I watched in dismay as their backs behind smaller and smaller until they completely disappeared.
It was a beautiful Saturday morning and I was skating a lap around Prospect Park, all 526 acres, as part of an all girls skate event. I bought my board only months before and this was my debut into the skating world. I thought I would be able to keep up with everyone but the difference in experience and practice was abundantly clear. However I kept pushing, trying to keep up but pretty soon realized it was futile. They were long gone and I was alone. Rather than give up I toughed it out and skated, and was really glad I did because the journey was exhilarating.
I lived near the park all my life but I never realized how huge and beautiful it was. I rode through different neighborhoods, by people from different cultures, and on different size roads. I passed by wooden sculptures, several stages and huge fountains. As I neared the place that I recognized from my neighborhood, I realized how much I was missing from not branching out and going deep into the park before.
As I neared the meet up place dead last, knee stinging from a fall, and hair dripping with sweat underneath my helmet, I exclaimed with happiness. The other skaters were already chilling, passing around food, and chatting but I couldn't help but laugh and feel accomplished that I did it. I made it. Not long after I sat down I turned to my friend and exclaimed "Let's do that again". He shook his head in laughter and responded "Told you it was fun".
From that trip I've learned to be more sure of myself and trust in myself and balance. I also learned to never give up and to push through even when I fall or am too tired. Although I was way behind, I got to work on my technique and made some new friends on the way. Now I'm an active member of the longboarding community and can keep up when they skate. I even know a few tricks now and am gradually getting better at sliding. This experience has taught me to go out and venture out into new places. Since this event I visited several new places all over Manhattan and Queens, visiting skate shops and meeting new skaters.
[ I was thinking of adding something about how I wanted to continue this in college]
I really need help with this. Any piece of advice or criticism is welcome. Thanks again!!
Jasmine, after reading your essay, I believe it's written to the point that everybody would understand what
you exactly mean.
As much as the essay is written to respond to the prompt and the purpose of your essay,
I see at as a pre mature writing piece right now, it needs a little revision on the side of your
choice of words, the strength of your essay is not as much as it could be in order to make it
to the admissions.
Now, what I suggest that you do is, change a few words that are not so strong, words such as "I'm trying", change them to,
" I made sure " or " I surpassed quiet strong", this words does not only indicate a stronger you,
it also boost the quality of your essay.
I believe you can do better, re - write and post it back here on EF so we can assist you further.
Ok so I worked on it a bit and now I'm unsure on how to end it. I added the two endings. Any piece of advice or criticism is welcome. Thanks again!!!!!
We gathered around the starting line, hearts in our stomachs and anticipation in the air. We stood still, holding our breathes when the leader finally shouted.
"Ok let's go!"
And we were off, zooming down the lane, and hollering in laughter. Or should I say that they took off. I was lagging behind, shocked at how far they've gotten with one push.
It was a beautiful Saturday morning and I was skating a lap around Prospect Park, all 526 acres, as part of an all girls skate event. I began skating only months before but this was the first time I was skating with other people. I knew that I was probably the newest skater but had that I'll be able to keep up with the crowd. However the difference in experience and practice became abundantly clear as I watched everyone disappeared in a matter of seconds. But rather than give up I toughed it out and skated, and was really glad I did because the journey was exhilarating.
Prospect Park is a well-known picnic spot for families but I never realized how huge and beautiful it was.I rode by beautiful wooden sculptures, wonderfully crafted stages and several volleyball matches. As I neared the place that I recognized from where I usually stayed when visiting Prospect, I realized how much I was missing from not branching out and going deep into the park before.
When I crossed the finish line an hour later, knee stinging from a fall, and hair dripping with sweat underneath my helmet, I was overjoyed. The other skaters were already chilling, passing around food, and chatting but I couldn't help but laugh and feel accomplished that I did it. Still giddy from the lap, I sat down, turned to my friend and exclaimed: "Let's do that again!"
From that trip I've learned to trust in my balance and myself. I have since gone back to Prospect to practice my pushing technique and even got some advice from experienced skaters. I've become a huge believer in perseverance and never giving up. Now I am an active member of the longboarding community and can now keep up with the other skaters during events. I even know a few tricks and am gradually getting better at sliding. Since my debut I ventured off and began exploring new places, visiting parks all over Manhattan and Queens. Longboarding has increased my confidence, made me happy, and led me into new, exotic places. I can definitely see myself doing it for as long as I live.
[Or with last two lines removed and this being the new paragraph}
Longboarding has increased my confidence, made me happy, and led me into new exotic places. Thus I hope to continue this in college and share this joy with other people. After a long week of classes, a couple of us could go skating and exploring the City of New Haven. We can teach each other tricks, bonding over our love for skating and our love for Yale.
Jasmine, your revision is definitely an imprivement from your original essay. However, I think there are still some places that are a bit confusing.
I knew that I was probably (knew and probably seem contradictory. You were either the newest skater or you weren't. Write like you're sure of what you're writing. If not you could write "I was one of the newest skaters...") the newest skater but had that I'll be able to keep up with the crowd. (I can't really understand what you meant here).
watched everyone disappeared
Your essay in general is good. between the two conclusions you gave, I would go with the first one. Good luck with your application!
Jasmine, let's make your last paragraph stronger, kindly find my remarks below.
Final paragraph
- Long boarding ( write it in 2 words) has increaseddeveloped my confidence,
- made me happy, and leddrive me into new exotic places.
- Thus I hope to continue this in college and share this joy with other people.,
- After a long week of classes, a couple of us could go skating and exploringexplore the City of New Haven, we - We can teach each others tricks, bonding over our love for skating and our love for Yale.
There you have it Jasmine, I hope the modifications done in the last paragraph, helped!
