Yangon, bustling city; Common App/ U illinois/ Past circumstances & Experiences

In an essay of 300 words or less, please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major.

Yangon is a bustling city with crowded roads, old colonial buildings, vendors, and local markets. It is a place where one can experience many interesting things at the same time: big, tall buildings as well as small huts; rich people as well as small homeless children; bright and large restaurants as well as small shops The electricity supply can go off at any time, aged buses rumble down the street, and old buildings stand along the corners of the streets.

Next to my house stand aged colonial buildings that are covered in molded water spots, cracks and mosses. The generators, in front of those buildings, are rusted and let out dark smoke whenever they are used. All the buildings are in dire need of repair and machines are outdated, most broken beyond repair. The new technologies and machines made in other countries and found on the internet and in journals are not realities here. I feel the need to change my country into a better place. I do not want to see the grand old building crumble. We badly need to modernize while at the same time using modernity to preserve our past.

Recently while I was jogging down the street, a bus passed right in front of me. The engine of the bus was running so loudly that I was almost deafened, and I found myself covered in black smoke. The smell was terrible and the bus made the air toxic. It was everywhere around me. I realized that I wanted to change this but was frustrated that I could not do or improve anything, as a normal high school student. This and many other similar experiences drive me to want to make a change. I do not want my people suffer from all the smoke and pollution just because of the lack of advanced technologies. I hope by studying mechanical engineering that I will learn how to improve this situation and accomplish the change I want to make and help my country become a better place.

I need help with deleting unnecessary words so that it could fit the world limit. Also need help with revision. I will help yours as well :D.

painglintun

Hi!

All the buildings are in dire need of repair and machines are outdated; most broken beyond repair.

The new technologies and machines made in other countries and found on the internet and in journals are not realities here
We badly need to modernize while at the same time using modernity to preserve our past.
Try to reword this - it sounds a bit awkward.

The engine of the bus was so loud I was almost deafened, and I found myself covered in toxic black smoke that smelled awful.

Besides that, I think it's very good! I really like how you talked about wanting to help your country and how you plan to go about it (by becoming a mechanical engineer). good luck!

Can you give me feedback on if this is better.
I'm replacing this
I believe it deserves better than to let its once grand architecture crumble and its citizen live
without modern conveniences.

Original: I do not want to see the grand old building crumble. We badly need to modernize while at the same time using modernity to preserve our past.

The essay is really unique and on point. But I think the description of the city you live in is a little bit excessive. You could specify how the knowledge and technique of mechanical engineering would help you renovate the city.

Bighall
I'm mentioning these in my supplements, i dnt want to repeat the same point again.
And what do you think of the revision above your comment.

The word limit is 500 words. This is the finialized essay.

It was the same old road, the same old day. My mom was driving the car, when suddenly the car behind her started to produce a deafening exhaust sound. As the sound of the lever increases, the engine roared "vhroom vhromm". I was filled with hope that this car is the race cars I usually see in TVs. I peaked too look at the fantasized car, not expecting that my first sight would be a trail of black smoke. The car rumbled along with exhaust throughout the road, it was not making progress either. Upset, while interested to see the car, I noticed it was a bus. Indeed, a old broken bus that was polluting the environment.

The idea of race cars struck to my head, I wanted to make one, I wanted to see one. Although this isn't offered there are quite a few things that make my hometown, Yangon, unique. It is a bustling city that has crowded roads, old colonial buildings, vendors and local markets. From a virtual tour of the city, one could actually find many interesting things, big, tall buildings as well as small huts; rich people as well as small homeless children; bright and large restaurants as well as small shops. In addition to this, lights go on and off, people eagerly struggling to us electricity to run their factories, and completing their daily chores before it turns of. Guessing when the electricity would come is an art of gambling.

We stand up as one, and live in these lives. Electricity can go down any minute, dealing in this absence of electricity has been a second nature for us. I appreciate what we can deal with but the black smoke we are smelling, the deafening loud noise we're hearing, and the absence of electricity needs to be changed. My dream, my passion to contribute to my society makes me want to create and introduce technology to Myanmar. There is still a change to be made by introducing new technologies, new roads, better efficient and yet eco friendly cars. By taking mechanical engineering, I would be able to make a change, I want to incorporate different elements through introducing new machineries, new energy resources and through creating efficient engines. (The innocent victims who have been smelling carbon monoxide, people who are suffering stress from noise pollution, and the progress hindered from lack of electricity are all unnecessary. I believe I can contribute and make a change though studying mechanical engineering.

The different branches and opportunities that exist within mechanical engineering would help me incorporate different elements to create solutions. Noise control and effective transportation can be maintained as a mechanical engineer while at the same time understanding internal combustion energy would promote the development of electrical generators, and a thorough practical experience in fuel and combustion techniques would contribute in creating and understanding new energy resources. These different opportunities that lies as a mechanical engineer would significantly improve the situation in Myanmar and turn my dreams into reality.