Please, please, help me with my essay. I struggled with the topic, but I finally decided on doing it about my time in Dubai. I think it needs more details, that I need to explain why it taught me that sometimes bad things happen to help you become better, but I am not sure, and it is already 248 words.
Thank you so much!!
Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.
I was twelve when I moved to Dubai.
When you ask people that have only heard of Dubai, or visited during vacations, to describe it in one word or sentence, you get wonderful things such as: Paradise, ostentatious, beckoning, or "Better than anywhere else".
I was one of those people.
My first sight of Dubai was from a plane, it was shiny, full of life and colors, and that impressed my 12 years old self, I wanted to love it, so I decided to love it.
When you ask people that live in Dubai to describe Dubai, you get: "We don't care and we don't even care that we don't care", "The city without a soul" and "Fake city, fake people".
Dramatic, don't you think? But right, to a certain point.
My years in Dubai have taught me a lot of things, things that at 15 I shouldn't know, but am happy to.
Dubai taught me the difference between what you see and what is; it taught me that sometimes people's kindness is the only thing that will keep you afloat, while others people will be cruel just because they can be.
I learned things during those years that shaped me into who I am today, I like to take as much from my surroundings as I can and I believe that had I stayed in Spain, today, I would be someone else.
But more importantly Dubai taught me that sometimes bad things happen to bring better things into your life.
Coming to Dubai has made me go through some pretty bad things, made me witness some pretty bad sights, made me learn of a world my brain would still be unaware of had I not been here.
Coming to Dubai made me learn about pain, but also made me be someone better, a bad thing which brought a good one. A lot of times my sister and I look back to what our life was, and we wonder what would have been of us had we not come here, we become nostalgic and wish with all we have that we had not, but if I have the chance of going to Stanford it will be worth it, if the end of this dark tunnel is Stanford, then I will go through it again even if I had the opportunity of choosing not to.
When you ask people that have only heard of Dubai, or visited during vacations, to describe it in one word, or sentence, you get wonderful things like: such as Paradise, ostentatious, beckoning, or "Better than anywhere else" ."
I took the first sentence only for starters -- to show you that you are using too many commas.
Re-work the essay and eliminate some of the commas.
Mark
This is a powerful essay, very compelling! To me, anyway...
Dubai taught me the difference between what you see and what is; it taught me that sometimes people's kindness is the only thing that will keep you afloat, while other times people are cruel just because they can be .
sometimes bad things happen to bring better things into your life.------ give a few examples that tell us about your academic aspirations.
:-)
Thank you sooo much.
I haven't been able to check this till today, my week has been really busy.
I hope it really is powerful, and compelling, it is what I am aiming at.
I wanted to talk about Psychology (What I am majoring in) but it will be a big part my common application essay so I don't want to repeat what is going to be in that essay in this one.
Thanks again
This activates the reader's imagination, very effective... I think it's good! I don't like this sentence, though:
Coming to Dubai has made me go through some pretty bad things, made me witness some pretty bad sights, made me learn of a world my brain would still be unaware of had I not been here.---you can find a better word than 'things' and you also should probably use "caused me to" instead of "made me"
:-)
Hey!!
Today I took a good hard look at the topic for this essay:
Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.
And I realized that my essay doesn't really fit. But I actually like my essay, it is the only one where I say that Dubai has changed me and made me come who I now am (I have changed it a little it is not exactly the same as the one I have posted here).
Should I change it to something that fits more exactly the topic of the essay or is it good enough?
Thank you!!!
Revise this to include plenty of discussion of the psych topic that is most relevant. What is the topic in psych most relevant to this experience? Whatever it is, make it your theme: the topic of intellectual interest.
:-)
