"Young antique"- that's what my friends used to call me with a joking tone," You are like an ancient scholar, walking along the road your family or school arrange and never wanting to meet a new challenge. You scare yourself with those possible bad results, sometimes with a bit of exaggeration." I was not angry at their words, because that was me exactly- I didn't even dare to try a new dish of my favorite restaurant for just worrying its taste. Sadly but luckily, I didn't think of a change until I was pushed to.
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Cheng, I understand that this is some sort of personal essay for the common app prompt. the problem, is that I have no idea regarding what the requirements of the common app essay is. You need to provide the thesis statement for the prompt so that the essay can be properly reviewed for content and grammar usage. Don't forget that we can only provide accurate advice to you based upon the instructions that are provided to us. We need to know where the essay should be headed so that we can guide you towards that end result.
Right now the essay seems too wordy and can use some work in cutting down the word count. We also need a better explanation as to why you were called a "young antique" by your coach. What exactly is the purpose of your story? Which portions should be front and center in the story? These are all questions that can be answered and addressed better once you provide the complete essay prompt for the accurate review of your essay.
Choose the option that best helps you answer that question and write an essay of no more than 650 words, using the prompt to inspire and structure your response. Remember： 650 words is your limit, not your goal. Use the full range if you need it, but don't feel obligated to do so. (The application won't accept a response shorter than 250 words.)
prompt1 - Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Cheng, while I understand the reason why you were being called a "young antique", I think that there is a disconnection between that paragraph and the succeeding paragraph about the challenge from your coach. We do not understand what sport you were playing or being challenged to accomplish You also need to explain further regarding the reasons why the memories you recalled as your began the challenge pushed you to take the plunge and do something you have never done before. The essay just seems to be lacking a sense of clarity regarding the connection between the challenge and the "young antique" statement. Why did the fear suddenly turn into desire? Perhaps you should first decide upon what trait of yours you wish to discuss in this essay then develop a clearer and more easily discussed essay around it. This essay is just confusing to the reader and does not really explain how this event became a central identity building event in your life.
Like the person above said, I think your essay lacks clarity. As a reader, while I do have some understanding of what you are trying to get across (that you were able to overcome fears, and not let them hold you down), I think a lot of the narration in the essay is unclear. I wasn't able to tell just what sport you play, or what challenge it is that you managed to overcome. Also, as vangiespen said, you mention "young antique" at the beginning, maybe try and connect back to that at the end. I think you have a good idea, but the way you communicate it could be improved.
Thanks! It's very helpful! I reivsed it acorrding to your advice. Can you give me more advice?
I used to live from day to day walking along the road my family and teachers arranged for me. I stayed away from challenges as many as possible, never considering an organization of a new activity or an adventure to some remote area. The possible harms from uncertainty scared me! However, an experience during field training has changed all of these, surely, a turning point in my life.
It was a nice day with white clouds, soft wind and green trees. But I was not in the mood to enjoy. There stood two separate high poles in front of me, each with a wooden bridge on the top and there was an 80cms gap between the two bridges. Our coach was explaining," It's easy but takes courage. You need to: climb up the pole, walk on the bridge, take a step to the opposite bridge and then climb down from the other pole." It might be easy for others but not me- I was with fear of great heights since I was born and the poles were at least four stories high. I intended to quit but was rejected by my coach. There was no choice but to carry on.
One after one, the members completed the challenge with cheers and praises from below. I moved backwards again and again until there was no one in front of me or behind me: it was my turn. My heart was beating faster. I climbed slowly and tensely, hands grasping the rope tightly, eyes sticking on the pole all the way. Standing on the top, my legs were kind of out of control, weak and shaking like leaves in the wind.
The people below were noisy, shouting aloud," Come on! You can do it!" I was trying to convince myself. I recalled the time when people ridiculed my excessive self-protection. I remembered the words from my grandpa that sometimes God would help you to make a change you didn't dare to and when that happened, grasp it. I thought of the moments when other members took their steps to the opposite bridge... I felt that I want a change and if I quit then I could not succeed in anything else. The desire to carry on was becoming stronger than the fear of heights at that moment. I finally took my step!
When I sat on the ground with my still weak legs afterwards, unexpectedly, I felt a relief and a sense of excitement in the deep heart. You never know what you can do unless you are pushed to. I realized how many great experiences and feelings I had missed before. The future is charming over its unknown. You don't know what you are going to experience or who you are going to meet. All you can do is keep your guts and longing to find a better self. Overly worrying about the uncertainty deprives me of the experience I need to carry me there.
All the rest will fall into place. I dared to host a debate in front of all school staff and students. I dared to motivate people around to contribute their power to those who need help. I dared to leave my own country studying in the U.S. for a whole year. And, as we all can see, I am still alive and healthy. I am more than ready for a new adventure in the future.
However, an experience during field training
- Field training for what? Be as specific as possible, don't leave the reader guessing since this essay is supposed to be a preliminary interview that will help the admissions officer get to know you.While the essay itself has vastly improved, there are still some areas that need clarification. I suggest that you explain why you developed a fear for trying new things and about harm coming to you. What were the reasons behind it? Did it stem from over protective parents? Teachers who feared you would have an accident during class? What made you a person fearful of the world around you? By explaining the reasons behind the fear, we will understand why it became important for you to complete the challenge you were given and how it affected the change in your personality and life.
