"my younger sister's shadow" - Bump in the Road - UCF Application Essay

1.If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances. Suggestions Please!!

As Bob Greene says, "Set backs are bumps in the road, they are not the end of the roads." Most people's set backs are deaths of loved ones. Mine would have to be growing up in my younger sister's shadow. We had always played different sports and she is two years younger but somehow we were always compared. Until she was in high school along with I, my excuse for her better grades was that the work was easier in elementary and middle school. Once she too was in high school, I didn't have much of an excuse. I grew tired of her always ...

You have a good idea here, but it needs some fixing. Your closing statement at the end is that you ended up gaining more appreciation for your sister...yet all of your points up until that part are about how you grew tired of her and started competing with her. I would focus on smoothing that transition, maybe with a single experience that gave you a new perspective on your relationship with your sister.

...We had always played different sports, and she is two years younger, but somehow we were always compared. ----- I added commas.

Until she was in high school along with me, my excuse ...

Once she too was in high school, I didn't have much of an excuse. -----sounds like she was a motivating force rather than a setback.

I grew tired of her always saying how she was smarter when we were in an argument. That is when she became my biggest motivation. ------yep, this is not a setback.

Okay, rewrite this so that you identify the real obstacle and present being in her shadow is the motivating force that helped you overcome it. Dig deep: what was the real obstacle?

I'll give you a hint: what do you care most about and want to be an expert at?

Hi Maggie!

You essay reads well, but it needed some fine-tuning, as you can see below. There were some times when I added a period to a sentence, where you had a long sentence. I therefore made it shorter. But, the essence of the essay comes through fine, without a problem, Maggie. Take a look at the corrections I offered and see if you might want to re-write the essay so that Kevin, myself and the other Maggie can review it for you again.

Mark :)