IE Academic WT2 - The use of mobile phones does as much harm to the society as smoking does

Topic:
The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Please help me adjusting my essay:
It is a controversial topic that whether the use of mobile phones does much harm to the society as smoking does, thus it should be limited in certain places as cigarettes. This essay holds a strong agreement to the mentioned point of view due to the addiction and distraction it creates. The detailed explanation is demonstrated below.

Many people have been arguing about the antisocial effect of the telephones because it makes the young become addictive and reduces their focus ability. With the enormous amount of content in various topics, a student can easily find his interests and pay much time as well as attention to the attractive videos on the streaming apps. As a result, more screening time means less time to study or talking with their parents and friends. This result in the lack of morality spiritual value and communication skills which may affect the future generation.

Smoking are not permitted in most social places to reduce the harm it may cause to others. The mobile phones, with the abovemetioned disadvantages it brings to the juvenile, should also be considered to be restricted in places such as classrooms, or family gathering time. This might help students concentrate better on their lectures, avoid violent contents to spread in the academic environment, maintaining the academic wellbeing and be able to inherit the valuable vision from their parents. However, moderation usage might be allowed because of the convenience of cell phones for education.

In conclusion, despite all the advantages of the developing technology, the mobile phone are creating a lot of bad effects on the children because of excessive usage and it should be controlled in schools so as to create a better future generation.

Wrong. You are directly being asked for your measured response as the writer of the essay. You cannot use a generic reference since the essay opinion needs to come either the writer or a public opinion. You incorrectly responded to the guide question. That affected your writer's opinion score. You did not clearly provide one in the correct response format.

The GRA score for this essay will not be a good one. There is a clear problem with the use of punctuation marks in the presentation. Specifically, you are not clear as to when and where to use the comma to separate information and / or related listings in a paragraph. Kindly familiarize yourself with English punctuation marks and use these in your essays going forward so that you will present clear information to the reader. Such errors also have a direct effect on your C+C score.