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Acceptance to use animals for the human benefits with positive and negative views - IELTS task 2

Smile12_12 6 / 13  
May 22, 2020   #1
Hi Mr. Holt,
Thank you for your previous useful advice. I have written this essay based on your advice.
Is it better than previous essays? (2 public pov, 1 personal pov, the link sentences between these paragraphs)
Is there anything that I should improve?
And 1 more question, this essay is about 364 words, while I only have 40 minutes to write in IELTS test. So it must be too long, so how can I shorten it? Can you see there is any problem that makes my essay longer?

Some people think it is acceptable to use animals for the benefit of humans, other people think it is wrong to exploit animals for human purposes.

Discuss both views and your opinion.

Issues related to animal practical uses are frequently discussed these days, particularly in media. Many people claim that animals cannot be used by humans for any purpose, while others disagree with this idea. However, I believe that only using animals for science experiments is acceptable.

People agreed that the practical use of animals contributes a vital importance to humans' life. Animal experimentation for researching purposes is the greatest benefit of this society. When scientists research on medicine or chemical substance to observe its effects on people's activities, they will do operations on animals such as the experiment of goldfish's brain functions to get a result which is similar to the performance on humans, which can minimize risks in advance. However, this practical use is only taken by scientists, not other individuals

People are not allowed to use animals to prove a result due to their curiosity. Some people want to know the reactions of wild animals against their tricks then consider it as one kind of research. For example, someone throws a plastic watermelon which looks like that fruit but was made in plastic through a hippo's mouth to see whether it understands that it is not normal food. This action is cruelty to animals which has to be prohibited by governments

In my opinion, whether or not animals should be used to serve people's benefits, it depends on the purposes of people and groups of animals. The use for humane purposes which plays a huge part in social improvement can be acceptable since studies cannot find out a vaccine for humans or potential functions inside our body when lacking these experiments. Moreover, scientists cannot perform on rare and endangered species or normal species without any suitable reason. I think governments should set up the list of experimental animals and requirement for using animals such as the necessary procedures and the reasons before operating on animals in order to identify the legal use on them

To conclude, while I believe that animals should be respected under any circumstance. I have to admit that there is no better way than medical animal testation to secure patients against dangerous effects. However, everyone has to carefully consider our actions on animals due to our morality

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,979 2697  
May 23, 2020   #2
To keep your essay at a manageable word count. Remember to avoid using filler words, overused phrases, and most of all, use only 1 topic per paragraph unless otherwise indicated. One topic that connects to the next topic will be better for your word count than 2 under developed topic explanations in every paragraph. That is the most common reason students write too many words in the essay.

Good work on the prompt rephrasing. It kept the original topic and discussion reasons in your restated form. However, you should have avoided restating your opinion at the start. Since the comparison discussion had yet to take place, you should not have had an opinion to present just yet. However, some students prefer to include a personal opinion at the start so, provided you can connect your opinion to the public points of view, then you can go ahead and do that. Unfortunately, you failed to create a central discussion topic for your presentation so having a point of view immediately did not really work well for your essay.

Your discussion paragraphs do not have connected topics. If you opt to discuss the medical aspect of the experiments, then you should stick with that topic as the central discussion focus for the next 2 paragraphs. Clarity comes from knowing how to discuss the same topic from two different points of view. Coherence, comes from your ability to clearly explain the positive and negative aspects of the same subject. Again, there are no right or wrong answers, just the opinions that you present that the examiner requires a clear explanation of. Once you keep your essay discussion paragraphs focused on a singular topic, you will find that you can express your full explanation without writing too many words. 5 sentences are normally sufficient if you simply state the facts as required:

Sentence 1: Topic sentence
Sentence 2: Reasoning sentence
Sentence 3: Example sentence
Sentence 4: Supporting explanation for the example sentence
Sentence 5: Transition sentence

Those are all the sentences you need to write. Stick to simple explanations. Do not be too wordy. Be direct to the point. That sentence number will bring you to within the 275-290 word count. Depending upon how long your sentences are. Just make sure to use simple and complex sentences to meet the GRA requirements.

Note: Let me remind you that it is acceptable for students to ask for their essays to be scored here. You misunderstood, they are not asking fellow students to score their essays, they know you cannot appropriately score their essays since you are also learners, just like they are. They are asking me, the contributor, the trained professional to score their essays because they want to know what their weak points are, and how to improve upon it. My scores will never be wrong. It will be the closest to the actual scoring the examiner will give the student. It is accurate and helpful. I am sorry you cannot see that. These students want to pass the test and they are not afraid to find out where their weaknesses are, which it seems you are afraid to face. My scores help them focus their studies because they can pull up their scores where it matters and focus less on their strengths since everything becomes stronger when they improve overall. You learn differently from the others. Do not dissuade anybody from asking for professional help from a trained contributor here. Students really should not be scoring essays anyway, we have a suspension policy regarding that. Student scoring = Suspension. It's right there in the text box.
OP Smile12_12 6 / 13  
May 24, 2020   #3
I am sorry for putting my circumstance in the wrong comment to make you think that I am dissuading people from asking you. I know that your score and your feedback are as same as to examiners, so I appreciate your advice and always follow them. I am also willing to accept my mistakes that you point out from my wrong behaviour in this forum.

Thank you for your help in my essays

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