Many people are now spending more and more time travelling to work or school, some people believe that this has negative development while others think there are some benefits.
Discuss both view and give your opinion
It is true that nowadays, people are spending much more time traveling for work or school. While some people argue that this is a negative trend, others believe that there are some advantages. In this essay, I am going to examine this question from both points of view and then give my perspective on this matter.
On one side of this argument, people argue that people spend too much time traveling to work or school which leads to a negative development. Almost people choose to use their own car or motorbike to go to work, the demand of traveling for work increases which means the number of vehicles on the road also grows following this demand. As a result, it can be lead to traffic jams in rush hours. Moreover, when people stuck in traffic jams, sitting on the motorbike breathing in toxic fumes from other vehicles, which in long term can lead to several serious health issues. Additionally, the exhausted fumes from transports can cause environmental pollution.
On the other hand, it can be argued that commuting to work has some advantages. These benefits are normally related to people who use public transports. First of all, it can allow people more time to finish things that they have not had enough time to complete. For example, students have a great chance to finish their homework and adults have more time to get their project done or check their schedule. In addition, people also have time to read books, listen to their favorite songs or even enjoy the beautiful scenery outside the window. Besides, it is a great opportunity for those who need to take a nap after burning might night oil to catch the deadline.
In conclusion, I believe that both arguments have their merits. On balance, however, I feel that it still has some advantages that surpass its negative effect. It does not only save time it also gives people more great opportunities to relax or complete their work.
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It is going to be better for your score if you do not make any attestations to the validity of any of the claims presented in the original presentation. Why? Well, the validity of the claim being made is not required, not a part of the discussion requirement. Therefore, you are including unnecessary information that runs counter to the discussion instructions.
Now, you did a pretty good job of referring to the opinion of other people in the first reasoning paragraph. Your discussion subject is valid, well supported, and clear to the reader. However, the unnecessary inclusion of the second reason in that paragraph, which was only mentioned, but not really developed as well as the first part, created an under developed presentation for that topic, which would affect the overall C&C consideration for that section.
For the second paragraph, you used a general presentation for the explanation, but failed to use the third person reference like you did in the previous paragraph. This made the discussion unclear to the reader. Whose opinion is being presented? Is this a personal or public opinion? That is why the use of pronouns in these comparative discussion presentations are important. The pronouns add to the clarity of the presentation.
There should have been a third paragraph in this case, the explanation of your personal opinion based on the previously presented opinions and explanations. That is a stand alone paragraph that creates the personal opinion discussion. The current format of the essay shows an open ended essay because you used your personal opinion as the conclusion of the essay. The task 2 essay requires the use of summary conclusions. These are conclusions that are based on a summary of the public and personal opinion as a reminder of the discussion to the reader.
This is not a bad first try at writing this task. You did well enough for a beginner and have room for improvement. Keep practicing and you should see improvements to your discussion approach over time.