Thanh, I cannot say that your essay is clearly understandable nor is it cohesive or coherent in presentation. That is because you are often referring to synonym words in a manner that tells me you were unsure about which term to actually use and, you tried to use advanced English words without really knowing how to properly construct a sentence to use the words in. You are also repetitive in content in some paragraphs. These are the major problems with your essay that would most likely result in a failing score in the end.
Redundancy Example:
On the one hand, helping social community by that method is not effective. This is not an effective method to help communities.
- Your clearly state the topic sentence twice in this paragraph. You could have simply said "This is not an effective method..." without using a comparison point since this is not a comparison discussion but rather a single opinion essay.
GRA Weakness Sample:
or even being ruined detrimental.
- ruined = a state of decay, collapse, or disintegration.
- detrimental = tending to cause harm.
- The words you used in a single sentence have 2 different meanings. They do not connect and make the sentence difficult to understand. Pick one or the other. Better yet, use only one term in the sentence, never both.
them ., and thisThese
- Punctuation errors and grammar use problems. Use a period and then start with "These" instead, connoting a new sentence and statement.