Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0] - SERVICES

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

(adopting greener forms of energy in the US) - IELTS Graph

bingle2012 7 / 11  
Jul 25, 2012   #1
This is my report for the graph as attached that I wrote in 20 minutes. Please help collect any mistakes and try to guess what band score can I expect with it. Thanks a lot.

The two charts given show how the sources of energy changed in the USA from 1980s to 1990s.

In 1980s, oil was the most popular fuel in the US, supplying 42 percent of its overall energy, while the second popular was natural gas, accounting for 26 percent, a figure 4 percent higher than that for coal. The two types of clean energy, hydro power and nuclear power, shared the remaining 10 percent evenly.

Ten years later, although the percentage for oil dropped considerably by 9 percent to 33 percent, it remained as the biggest source of energy. The share of natural gas stayed roughly unchanged with a negligible decline of 1 percent, but coal supplied 5 percent more energy for the country. While hydro power was still representing 5 percent of this country's energy as it did a decade ago, the percentage of nuclear power had actually doubled.

Overall, we can see from the graph a trend of adopting greener forms of energy in the USA.

-- 166 words

April April 13 / 148 22  
Jul 25, 2012   #2
In 1980s => Sorry I can't see the charts (I'm using my phone), but if in the charts, it is "1980", don't add the "s", or else it must be "in THE 1980s"

remained as the => REMAINED THE

You need to write a general statement in the intro.

Also, I think you haven't made enough comparisons. It would be better if you could connect the 2 charts more.
If I were you, I would arrange the body paragraphs this way: 1st one is about sources of energy whose usage percentages increased after 10 years, and the other is about those that decreased (or vice versa).

OP bingle2012 7 / 11  
Jul 26, 2012   #3
Thanks Thao for your valuable suggestions.
yeah, maybe moving the ending paragraph into the intro may be better.
but don't you think the second body paragraph having enough comparison in it where almost every sentence compares.

I see a lack of linking words instead.
April April 13 / 148 22  
Jul 26, 2012   #4
Well yeah, your second body para did have more comparisons than the 1st one.
However, the way you structured your essay didn't allow you to compare and contrast in both body paragraphs, right? And the more you can show your language skills by making comparisons, the better your essay is. So I have to say that I would structure the essay differently.

Anw, it's just a suggestion.

Oh and btw, I think you can just keep the conclusion like that (because you can only see that after having thoroughly analysed the charts), but add a general statement to the intro, for example: "Generally, abc was the most popular source of energy, while xyz constituted the least to the generation of power."

OP bingle2012 7 / 11  
Jul 26, 2012   #5
Great and very useful comments.
Thanks a lot.

Home / Writing Feedback / (adopting greener forms of energy in the US) - IELTS Graph