IELTS writing task 1 - adult education argument

school systems services to adult learners

The charts below show the result of a survey of adult education. The first chart shows the reason why adults decide to study. The pie chart shows how people think the costs of adult education should be shared.

The charts illustrate information about adult education. The bar chart describes the motives of adults to pursue scholarship. The pie chart provides data on people's opinion about how the fee of education should be paid.

In general, most students choose to study because of their personal interest and they should be supported in paying educational fee.

It can be seen from the bar graph, 40% of students decide to learn because they are fond of the subject. The following reason is achieving certificates with 38%. In addition, the least popular reasons are socializing and shifting jobs accounting for 9% and 12% respectively. Data for other motives such as obtaining promotion, being better at current job and finding the joy in learning is approximately 20%.

As can be withdrawn from the pie chart, public believe that scholars only ought to be responsible for less than 50% of the cost, whereas taxpayer and employer should share the expense, with 25% for the former and 35% for the later.

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Looking into the technicalities of your writing, I suggest going back to the basics of grammar usage - specifically when it comes toverbs, punctuation, and preposition. I won't nitpick on it because a lot of them are easily revised. Look into having more transitions to create a better flow for the essay.

For instance, we can revise your first paragraph as:
The charts below show the results of a survey in adult education. The first chart shows the reason why adults decided to study. The pie chart, on the other hand, shows how people think the costs of adult education should be shared.

I suggest mergingthe third and fourth paragraph. The third paragraph at the moment is oddly hanging in the middle of the essay without a cohesive structure. Because it is closely correlated to the fourth one, you can merge them easily.

You can leave the last paragraph. I think it is sufficient for what it is right now.
Best of luck with your writing tasks!

i had the same topic with you, i think you can have your own lesson from it https://essayforum.com/writing/adults-study-costs-courses-shared-82581/
i can see your problem at the the first paragraph, well... the contributor said it
i understand how you want to show your complicated words and sentences, but it's quite difficult and make readers have confusion
hope that you can fix it soon