TOEFL Essay:advantages and disadvantages of building a factory near a community

ksh 2 / 5

Nov 28, 2012 #1

please give me feedback about this essay.
thanks...

A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

Construction a factory near a community brings job and prosperity to it, Also it causes some problems such as air pollution, noise, and some other disadvantages which I will explain in the following and because of outweighed risks I oppose the plan to build a factory near my city.

Because of new factory many of unemployed people could find a job. It causes development of city and increase prosperity. Many people would come to city and business would develop. Markets, hotels, restaurants would be full by immigrants who bring more money for the city and our city would growth. But this fast growth would be appropriate for us?

Otherwise benefits of Building a factory near my city it would be a big disaster. It would pollute environment of city. Air pollution, water pollution, noise and crowd by people and vehicles that traffic all day are some harm which will affects habitants of city and causes mental and physical diseases. If you imagine a petrochemical factory near a community, how much harmful smog would enter the air which is many harmful? Also coming of people in the city would change culture of city and would bring violence and crimes which it is not good for the city was so quiet and a place for relaxation and interest for visit.

So, I prefer not to build a factory near my city because of disadvantages of it which are more notable than benefits it. Also I think a factory should build in an appropriate distance away from a community which couldn't affect inhabitants.

(260 words)

joythblessy 86 / 266

Nov 30, 2012 #2

hai..
Though i feel it is short...
(not actually), you cover good points...

dumi 1 / 6793

Nov 30, 2012 #3

Construction a factory near a community brings job and prosperity to it, Also it causes some problems such as air pollution, noise, and some other disadvantages which I will explain in the following and because of outweighed risks I oppose the plan to build a factory near my city.

Look at Ahmad's comment;

(You wrote all the introduction through only one sentence. Each introduction has three parts, but in this case it has two parts : 1) Motivator 2) Thesis statement 3) Your opinion (if the topic is an "agree or disagree" one you should write your opinion at the end of the introduction).

Yes... this is exactly what you are supposed to do with your introduction if you are keen on earning good marks for this task. Let's try to arrange your intro as he suggests;

Construction of a factory near my community may benefit my people by creating new job opportunities. However, along with that it my also cause several adverse environmental issues such as noise and air pollution. When the advantages and disadvantages are compared, I believe that disadvantages of this project would certainly outweigh its benefits to my community.

I have consumed three sentences to tell what you said in one sentence. But it is important that your sentences are clear. Therefore avoid very lengthy sentences and tell your ideas in simple short ones : )

Pahan 1 / 1824

Nov 30, 2012 #4

You have very good points. But i think they should be presented in a better manner.

Because of the new factory many of unemployed people could find a jobs .

This is a good point. But i feel it would sound better like this.
The upbringing of a new factory could be the solution for unemployment in my community.

Otherwise benefits of Building a factory near my city it would be a big disaster.

This sentence has some issues. It is grammatically incorrect. Benefits of the factory can not be a disaster. I suggest:
Otherwise the construction of the factory would be a disaster.