Helllooo there, thank you for sending your essay here. Two reviewers have given their insights towards your essay. Now, it is my time to share my valuable feedback.Paragraph 1:
- The first sentence of the paragraph has been covered, although some keywords are too close to the original ones, such as population, countries
and large number
- The second sentence thoroughly fails to present a strong thesis statement, as you did not outline the main ideas.
- The first sentence is supposed to be a clear topic sentence derived from the thesis statement. Since you did not outline any main ideas in the thesis, then this part is lack of coherence.
- The second sentence of this paragraph should discuss your claims (elderly have more experience and are wiser than the young generation)
from the aforementioned sentence.
- Some details of situations and eventually fail to go over difficulties
are needed. Remember, In-depth explanations as to support your topic sentence should be there. Such explanations can be gained if only you use journalistic questions: 5W/ 1H.Paragraph 3:
- you cannot use this---> On the other hand
as no contrasting idea(s) there.
young people can create more economic progress than the older generation. Firstly, the youngsters are physically stronger than their counterparts
These two sentences are not linked. I cannot even find how the second sentence supports the idea from the former one.
Secondly, young workers can come up ...
Again, the second sentence did not support the the previous one. If I were you, then I'd discuss which certain ideas can create extra profit for a company.Paragraph 4:
A good paragraph consists at least three sentences in a row. Although some suggest that IELTS concluding paragraph can be simply ended with one sentence, this way tends to be repetitive," which means that the structure constantly says the same ideas over and over, and therefore your score hovers at 6.0 for Task Response.
Hope this helps :D