TOEFL Essay: How does advertising influence people's behaviour?

Hello, this is my first essay here.
I've recently started to prepare for TOEFL, here you have a result. I will be very grateful for every comment and correction.

How does advertising influence people's behaviour? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

On the market today we can observe a real race between particular sectors and countless brands. Since there is such a variety of products and services, the only way to stand out from other, nearly the same things, companies need to be noticed and try to promote themselves any possible way. In my opinion, advertising influence people's behaviour negatively because it almost deprives us of free and conscious will while choosing what to spend money on.

Firstly, it is obvious that better commercial does not always equals better product. In most cases it only shows which company is wealthier or which has a smarter advertising team and copywriters. But we usually swallow the bait and buy something just because we saw it on a billboard, instead of checking what it contains or if we could find a better-quality, cheaper version of it.

What is more, well-made commercials can make us buy things which we do not even need. Suddenly we begin to wonder how we were able to survive without a given product and we are sure that after buying it, our life become easier. We spend lots of money on unnecessary things only because of their advertisements.

And the final, most scary stage of advertising influence is its impact on people's unconsciousness. TV commercials, billboards, posters, all those eye-catchers on websites, slogans and jingles - they all imprint on our memory and therefore somehow control our choices, condition the way we think and perceive the world. Like in Huxley's "Brave New World" but few actually ask the question in what direction it goes.

To conclude, I think that advertising has a bad influence on people's behaviour and the market itself. People are being forced to buy superfluous product or services and at the same time numerous valuable companies can be underrated and their offers wasted.

I think if you use firstly in the beginning, using secondly and thirdly then will be better.

Hello Haydi and welcome to the forum :-) You have written down acceptable reasons related to the way advertising influences people's behavior. But the way you stated it needs coherence. It needs to be understandable to everyone who reads it. Please allow me to show you another way of presenting your arguments in order to create coherence in every paragraph along with some writing suggestions.


- In the modern consumer market, countless brands compete for similar purchasing sectors of society. Due to vast array of products and services to choose from, advertisers need to create gimmicks that will help them stand out on the shelves. They often do this through advertising. It is the gimmick in the advertisement that the product manufacturers hope will influence the consumer's purchasing behavior. That is why I believe that advertising has a direct influence on the choice of product that the consumer will purchase.

- Your introductory statement lacked a hook that would interest the reader in finding out what the essay is about. You also did not present a thesis statement based upon your opinion of the essay prompt. Note that I presented all of that in the revised version.


- While we consciously know that a good commercial does not equal a good product, we are often influenced by the gloss of the advertisement and the model being used to sell the item. Most specially if a celebrity spokesperson is used. Big companies can create the kind of advertising influence that they need because they have the money to hire the people that can make it happen. Small companies, not so much. So, even if the smaller company has a better product, people will think twice about buying it because of the endorsement gimmick attached to it.

- While it is acceptable to use numerical connotations in your paragraph, you don't necessarily have to do that. Not unless the prompt specifically mentions a set number of reasons. In which case, the count is more to help you keep count than for the reader to use. The numerical count does not really add anything of value to your argument so it is best to avoid it if possible.


- Well made commercials can influence people to buy things they never thought they needed nor anted. All because the sales talk in the advertisement was quite convincing. So we end up buying a product because the power of suggestion told us we cannot live without it. Hence, the negative effect of advertising on people's behavior. Advertisements seem to have a hypnotic effect regardless of the media it is presented in. We end up being influenced to buy products we don't need because they make it seem like it is a product we cannot live without. The mind conditioning involved in the advertisement then has a negative effect on the consumer psyche... (Add the Huxley comment here)

- You know what you want to say, you just need to develop your communication skills so that you can express yourself in a coherent manner :-)


- You should have a separate paragraph to discuss your beliefs about the negative effects of advertising. Never discuss a new idea in the closing statement. The closing statement is only used to repeat your thesis and summarize major discussion points.

One of the main problems of your essay is that you left the mentioning of your stand for the last paragraph. That is wrong. Your stand in agreement or disagreement should have been among the first mentions in your introductory paragraph because it will lay the foundation for the thesis of your essay. That is because it will set the tone for the rest of the discussion. Try to revise the essay using the guides I mentioned. Then compare it with your old version. You will see a difference in the way you expressed yourself and be able to decide which version was clearer in discussion for you and in effect, to your reader :-) Keep practicing and we will keep helping !

Well, it is truly difficult to add something after Louisa has revised your essay:) However, I'll try :) In particular, let me give some grammar tips.



Try to avoid using AND, BUT at the beginning of a sentence.


It seems to me, there is no need to disclose the reason of your choice in the introduction. Stating your position is enough.

today's market


a tight race


Obviously,


team and copywriters. However, we. (Write However, instead of but in the first of the sentence)


It is good if you write this part as an example.


Finally, the most scary stage