Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 8

IELTS: age percentage of people in Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050


puman 6 / 13 1  
Mar 21, 2014   #1
The pie charts illustrate the percentage of people in Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050 in terms of three age groups. Overall, it can be seen that the population of aged 60 and above is expected an upward trend, and that of 0 to 14-year-olds is a downward trend in both countries.

In 2000, the number of people aged 0 to 14 in Yemen accounted for half of total population, with 50.1%, whereas that in Italy made up 14.3% of total population.The majority of Italian was 15 to 59 year-olds, with 61.6%, which was higher than that in Yemen, with 46.3%. The percentage of people aged 60 and above was responsible for 3.6% in Yemen and 24.1% in Italy.

By 2050, it is anticipated that the percentage of people under 15-year-olds will have decreased to 37% in Yemen, and 11.5% in Italy. Meanwhile, the citizens aged 60 and over will experience an increase in Yemen and Italy, at 5.7% and 42.3% respectively. The people from 15 to 59 years of age will account for 57.3% in Yemen, and 46.2% in Italy.

Please, correct my grammar. Thank you.




dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 21, 2014   #2
You need to improve on the structure. Follow this approach;
1. Introduce the graph (paraphrase the title of the graph, make sure you include the time frame if there's one)
2. Give an overview( state the main trend/ trends in the graph. Don't give detail such as data here)
3. Give the detail (Give details with reference to the data. Organize body paragraphs by grouping data together where there are patterns. Easiest way to do this is by identifying any similarities and differences)
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 21, 2014   #3
Hi, Puman.
We often forget some simple things. If I am not wrong "paragraphing" is the one component which is included in writing descriptor to get a good score. Related with this, it is better if you separated your essay with different paragraph. :D
OP puman 6 / 13 1  
Mar 21, 2014   #4
Could you provide more specific suggestions for this essay? I am in a state of confusion.
For example, "Given are the pie charts illustrating the inhabitants of Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050 in terms of three age groups " this sentence dose not suitable for IELTS Task 1, right?
sandipsinh 37 / 90 3  
Mar 21, 2014   #5
The pie charts illustrate the percentage of people in Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050 in terms of three age groups.

The pie charts illustrate the percentage of people in Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050 PRESENTING three age groups.
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Mar 21, 2014   #6
The pie charts compare the populations of different age groups of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and 2050 in percentage terms.

Overall, it can be seen that the population of aged 60 and above is expected an upward trend, and that of 0 to 14-year-olds is a downward trend in both countries.

You could separate this part from your introduction to make an overview paragraph.

the number of people

the percentage/proportion of people
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Mar 22, 2014   #7
Could you provide more specific suggestions for this essay? I am in a state of confusion.
For example, "Given are the pie charts illustrating the inhabitants of Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050 in terms of three age groups" this sentence dose not suitable for IELTS Task 1, right?

... Well this sentence is quite appropriate for your introductory para for this task. Only it has a few grammar issues and also you can improve its presentation;

The pie charts illustrate the information on three different age groups in Yemen and Italy for the year 2000 and projections for 2050.
Follow dumi's suggested structure. You need to have an intro (the above sentence), Overview and Details separately.
OP puman 6 / 13 1  
Mar 28, 2014   #8
Thanks your suggestion.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS: age percentage of people in Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050