The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education in school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
The increasing number of obese people is progressively a burden for health care system in an effort to cope with the related health problems. Some people suggest that making more physical education lessons mandatory in the school schedule is the best solution. As far as I am concerned, I totally agree with this statement.
Firstly, physical education lessons are able to keep students in shape as well as good mood. Needless to say, exercising can reduce the amount of fat in students' bodies, allowing children to maintain their weight at a sufficient level. As a result, the number of obese children go down, leading to a downward trend in the total number of overweight people. For instance, the students who pay attention to their health are always in high spirits at school because they have attractive appearance and healthy bodies. Thus, keeping students in good shape both improve children health and decrease the rate of obesity.
Another point is that several good habits of people emerge due to physical education in school. People can take care of themselves by consuming healthy diets as well as moderate exercises. After finishing school education, people are liable to maintain these habits, although there are many workloads surrounding them. Diets and exercises definitely cultivate their physical and mental health, thus providing them energy to work. Unless schools give them the rudiments of physical education, they are unable to do these things continuously. That is why, good habits at an early age is vitally important.
In conclusion, physical education in school curriculum is inevitable because not only does it keep children in stable health condition but it also creates many good habits for people.
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There is only a slight problem with your prompt paraphrase. Based on the original discussion, the suggestion for introducing physical education in the school curriculum is not mandatory. Therefore, you are in error and slightly deviating from the original discussion point in your paraphrase. Additionally, your topic representation is a bit confusing because you tried to restate the prompt using synonyms in word for word positions in the sentence. This led to a lack of clarity in the presentation. You do not have to change the presentation word for word. You have to restate the original topic based on your understanding, using your own words, not necessarily word for word replacements. A clearer representation would have been:
Health issues stemming from obesity are proving to be on the rise. Since most of the problems seem to be affecting students in school, there is a suggestion that the weight gain problem can be best addressed by coaxing students to participate in school based exercise programs. I fully support this suggestion due to several personal observations and insights.
Aside from this little oversight on your part, the rest of the essay is on point in relation to supporting a single opinion. Your discussions are cohesive, well connected, and uses good examples to help illustrate a personal observation or insight on the topic. Save for the original paraphrase situation and the extremely short conclusion, you may want to create a 3 sentence conclusion instead to properly do a reverse paraphrase of the presentation, this essay could probably achieve a 5 band score.
That is why, good habits-------> remove the comma
an attractive appearance